


Tomorrow's Moon

by ausfil



Category: Westlife
Genre: Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Anal Sex, Angst, Car Sex, Childhood Friends, Coming of Age, Crying, Cutting, Domestic Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Family, Fluff, Growing Up, Growth, Homelessness, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Leaving Home, M/M, Male Friendship, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Domestic Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rimming, Roommates, Running Away, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence, fast build I think?, like a whole fucking lot of crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 11:30:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 41,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18314483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ausfil/pseuds/ausfil
Summary: Two boys run away from home with nothing but a few bags, a rusty old car, and each other.(READ THE TAGS FOR TRIGGER WARNINGS PLEASE.)





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Note: !!! READ THE TAGS FOR TRIGGER WARNINGS PLEASE !!!  
> Also, Shane’s father character in this story is NOT Peter.

This was crazy.

This was fucking crazy.

Shane didn’t even know where he was driving to, but he stepped on it anyways, trying to ignore the tears blurring his vision.

Because he trusted Kian. He trusted Kian with his life.

But this was still crazy.

“I can’t believe we’re doing this.” Shane chewed on his lips, the beat in his heart too fast. “We should turn back.”

“No.” Kian grabbed his hand, comforting fingers wrapping around his, and the beat in his heart slowed down a little bit. “I promise we made the right decision. We can’t turn back, love. I won’t let you go back to that.”

Kian was right. Kian was always right. He couldn’t go back to that. He couldn’t do it. His face still hurt. His cheekbone still felt like it was throbbing after hours. The cut in his lip felt like it was forever seeping blood despite the cream rubbed on it late last night, just before deciding to do _this_ , whatever this was.

“Do you want me to drive for a bit? You can take a nap.”

Shane shook his head. “I’ll be fine. I need a distraction.”

“If you’re sure,” Kian squeezed his hand tighter. He never wanted it to let go. Was never planning to let go.

***

Shane chewed on his chips as he watched Kian on the phone, a careful smile across his face, shooting occasional glances towards him. Shane smiled back, a bittersweet knife in his chest.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine, mam. Don’t worry. Mhm. Yeah, we just stopped for some food. We’ll be on our way again soon.” Kian mouthed a quick ‘sorry’, and Shane shook his head. “Okay. I’ll call you when we get there. Yeah. Love you too. Bye.” Kian hung up and put the phone in his pocket, grabbed a chip. “Sorry about that.”

“No, it’s fine. It’s nice.” Kian still had an apologetic half-smile on his face, and Shane sighed. He didn’t deserve this beautiful boy. This beautiful, golden heart that was too good for him. He just… “You don’t have to do this for me.”

“I do have to.”

“No, you don’t. If you want to go back home, I won’t blame you. I can drive you back.”

“Shane, look at me.” Shane did. Saw blue eyes look far into his, blue eyes that held his entire world. “I’m doing this. Okay? I’m doing this with you. I’m not going back.”

“You’re giving up everything for me,” Shane felt tears brim in his eyes and let one fall when Kian caressed his cheek. “You left everything behind for me. I’m ruining everything.”

“You’re not ruining anything, love.” Kian’s thumb wiped a stream, then the next. “And I’m not giving up everything. I’ve wanted to move out anyways.”

“Your parents think you’re moving out to a nicer flat. A nice city. Bigger opportunities. We don’t even know where we’re going, you just… ran away with me.”

“And I’m glad I did.” How Kian was so calm, so strong, so loving, Shane never understood. “I love you, okay? I don’t care if we end up in a dump somewhere. I don’t care if we have to live in our car for a while. I don’t _care_. I just want to be with you.”

“God, I… I don’t know what to say.” Shane whispered and lowered his head. He couldn’t look Kian in the eye. He felt like he didn’t have the right to at the moment. Felt like he had to spend forever repaying him, spend forever repaying Kian’s parents who thought Kian was moving out for better things instead of on the streets with his boyfriend who ran away from home. Kian deserved better things. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop that. Really. I told you; I’m happy I came with you.”

Shane turned his head to kiss Kian’s palm. He didn’t mean to wet it with his tears, but he did. He hadn’t meant to do any of this. “Thank you,” Shane murmured.

“No need,” Kian’s thumb swayed across his cheek a few more times then trailed to his other cheek, at the darkening bruise on his cheekbone. Then down to a split lip, ran his finger just underneath the swell. “Does it hurt?”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” Shane pulled back from the touch, not wanting to make Kian feel worse. He tried at a smile. Didn’t quite get one back.

“Of course I’m going to worry.” Kian pursed his lips and pulled his hand back, landing on a chip that he didn’t really want to eat. He sighed and put it in his mouth. “We should get back on the road soon. It’s late. Unless you want to continue tomorrow.”

Shane looked outside the diner’s window. Watched as the stars dulled down for him on a stark black sky.

***

“We should run away,” Kian had said, angry tears in his red eyes, a heaving chest trying to calm itself down, sat down on his bed beside Shane.

Shane had stared at Kian for a while, trying to figure out if he was joking or not. That face hadn’t really looked like a joke though. “Wait, you… you’re serious.”

“I’m serious. You need to get the fuck out of your house. I’ll come with you.”

“We can’t just leave.” Shane had tried to grab Kian’s hand, had tried to calm him down, but Kian hit his hand away. Stood up with a creature of fury clawing up his throat. “Love, please. Just… sit down. I’m okay. I promise.”

“You’re not fucking _okay_! Wake up, Filan!” Kian shouted. Kian had never shouted at him like that before. Shane flinched. “You called me at 2 in the morning. Crying. Asking me to help you. Then you turn up fucking bleeding and all beat up and I just-“ Kian caught himself, letting out a trembling breath and dumping his face into the palm of his hands. “I don’t know how much longer I can see you like this.”

Shane watched his boyfriend in silence. He tried not to cry. For once, he wanted to be the strong one. For once in his goddamn life, he wanted to be the strong one. “Come here,” Shane whispered and reached out a hand that Kian eventually grabbed onto. He pulled the boy closer to him and wrapped his arms around him.

“I hate your dad so much.” Kian muffled in his shoulder, breaths trying to pace themselves.

Shane swallowed hard.

 _“I never should have had you_.” Shane could still hear the growl of his father lingering in his ear, could still smell the ominous wave of whiskey crashing in his nose, the breath of cigarettes, right before he felt a storm of a fist strike his cheekbone and everything went black for about three seconds.

“We should run away. You need to get out of there,” Kian was sobbing. Shane tried with the life of him not to. He rubbed Kian’s hitching back, a gentle up and down motion. “I’ll tell my parents I’m moving out. I can go with you.”

“Babe, stop.” Shane pulled back to look into his eyes, to caress his wet cheek. “We’re not going anywhere.”

“Yes, we are. We’re going to run away. Seriously. You can’t stay here.” Kian wiped his face with his sleeve and looked up, eyes fiery and captivating like a hypnosis pendulum. “I finished my Leaving Cert. I’m not going to uni anyways. And my parents can’t support me much. They can barely support themselves. I don’t need to stay here. We can start a new life together. Away from your dad. Away from fucking… everything. All of this.”

“No, Kian. We’re staying. It’s… it’s too big. We can’t do it.” Shane sighed. It shuddered through the air. “We don’t even have a place to go. We’d be homeless.”

“Isn’t that better than what you have now? Isn’t that better than going home afraid every day? Aren’t you sick of this? Because I don’t know how much more I can take. Seeing you like this, I can’t do it anymore. We can’t keep _doing_ this. I just... I’d rather be on the streets with you. I mean it.”

Kian’s voice was hard, his eyes harder. Confronting. Shane was taken aback a bit, but he couldn’t say anything. Because Kian was right. It did sound better. Shane didn’t realise he was crying until Kian reached out to wipe his cheek. He promised himself he wouldn’t.

“Sorry,” Shane murmured. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“It’s not you that hurt me.” Kian leaned in for a short kiss; something that never failed to feel like the safest core of a home. “I’m serious. We should run.”

“I…” Shane had tried to think of more excuses. Something. Anything. None of them seemed big enough in his head. “It’s crazy.”

“It is,” Kian had chuckled lightly. Shane had to copy. Then Kian had grabbed his hand. “But we can do it together. We’ll figure something out. Anything would be better than staying here.”

Before Shane could say okay, Kian’s mum had come in with the first aid kit, Kian’s dad standing at the bedside with expletives trapped at the brim of his lips, his eye bags full of sympathy. Kian had thanked his mum as she got out the ointment to rub on his lip.

Kian had held his hand the entire time.

***

“Do you want me to turn the heater on?” Kian asked from the front seat.

“No, I’m okay. Unless you want it on.” Shane was lying down in the back, a thin blanket that Kian brought from his room covering him. “Are you sure you don’t want to sleep back here with me?”

“It’s a small space. You can get comfortable. I’ll be fine.”

“I can scooch over. We can fit.” Shane turned to his side. It looked like enough space. And Kian’s voice sounded too far.

“Really, I’m fine. Get a good night’s sleep.”

“Kian, just…” Shane felt an impetuous lump in his throat. It seemed to permanently latch on today. “Just come here.”

Kian looked back over, worried eyes studying him. “You okay?”

Shane shook his head. Wiped his eyes that were starting to leak. “Come here,” he whispered.

Kian moved in half a heartbeat with an awkward climb over the seats and squashed up with his boyfriend, felt arms come around his waist and pull him in closely, a soft exhale and still lips against his nape.

“I love you,” Shane whispered.

“I love you too,” Kian whispered back. “Get some sleep, darling."


	2. Two

“The guy said Dublin’s half an hour away, right?” Kian asked, looking out for road signs.

“Yeah,” Shane tried to decipher this map the man at the gas station kindly gave them. If only he could figure it out. “So um,” Shane pursed his lips. There were too many fucking roads in Ireland. “I… think we’re going the right way?”

“Why don’t I trust you?” Kian laughed. “Look, do you want to drive and I can read the map?”

“Oh yeah because you’re so much smarter than I am.” Shane rolled his eyes with a smile.

“I’m not pointing fingers or anything but I got higher grades than a certain someone in the Leaving Cert.”

“I’m sure they dumbed the exams down for you children.”

“You’re only a year older than me. Shut up.”

“Fine then if you’re so smart, let’s switch!” Shane threw the map at Kian, Kian flinching and trying to bat it out of his sight.

“You idiot, I’m driving!” He barked through a silly laugh. “Don’t make me pull over!”

“Honestly, pull over, please. I’m hopeless with the map.” Kian had to admit, he hadn’t been expecting to see Shane laugh for a while. It was nice, even for just a little bit. He pulled over to the side of the road.

***

“So,” Shane killed the ignition and looked out the car window. “We’re uh… here. This is Dublin. Dundrum.”

The city was definitely busier than Sligo. Less trees. More people. Fast cars.

The tips of his fingers trembled a bit. It felt too real. This was actually happening. He was actually away from home for the first time in his life. With nowhere in the world to go to. Nowhere. With nothing. Just them two, this car, a backpack filled with clothes that he managed to put together right before sneaking out of the house. Kian’s bags and limited cash that Kian’s father had slipped into the side of it.

That was it. That was all they had to live off of for who knew how long.

Shane couldn’t breathe, suddenly.

“Should we get some food first? I think there’s a convenience store right over th-“ Kian stopped in his tracks when he looked over. Shane’s eyes were lost; wide and afraid, trembling and tearful. Sweat glistened on his forehead. “Hey, you alright?”

“Um. Yeah.” Shane tried to suck in some air. Not a lot got through. It came back out in a second. “I…” He tried at another breath. Fuck. What the fuck was happening. His chest felt impossibly tight. “Kian, I can’t do this.”

Shane prodded the door beside him. Tried to find the handle. He couldn’t find the handle. The world was closing in. The door. The handle. Handle. Door. Out. He wanted to get _out_.

“Breathe, just- Jesus. Shane.” Kian put a hand on his arm and shook him a little bit. He didn’t know what else to do. “Deep breath.”

Shane tried. It didn’t work. “I can’t. Let’s drive back. I-“ _Click_. The handle. He found the handle. He finally found the handle.

He darted out of the car. His knees gave in and he stumbled onto them, the patch of grass feeling like a stack of needles.

Kian shot right out and kneeled beside his boyfriend. He didn’t know whether he had to hug him or to give him some space. Or whether he had to get help. He’d seen his mother have a panic attack a few times when he was younger. The first time, there had been a sharp clang in the bathroom and his father had gone running in, told him to stay outside. Kian had stood right outside the door, curious, listening in. He’d heard him try to calm her down with little tactics like breathing with her, counting down from fifty, asking questions.

“Love, sit down first.” Kian told himself to stay calm. He guided Shane to sit down instead of kneeling. Shane followed idly. “Do you want to lie down or is this better?”

“It’s fine. Yeah. Sitting’s fine.” Shane was talking a little too fast. He clutched at his chest. “What’s happening?”

“Panic attack. It’s okay. It’ll go away.” Kian held his other hand, gentle strokes of his thumb. “Is there anything I can do?”

“No, just… I’m- I feel like… Fuck. I don’t know.” There were tears in Shane’s eyes.

“Overwhelmed?” Shane gave a little nod. “Yeah. Can you take a little breath for me?”

Shane tried. It was a bit easier than before. Okay. He could do this.

“Another one?” Kian crooned. Shane followed. “Can you go deeper?”

Shane squeezed his hand as he did it. He fell into a calming pattern, breaths getting slower and deeper, shoulders sagging as he went on.

Kian let out a sigh of relief that he hadn’t known he was holding onto with a lump in his throat. “Do you feel better?”

Shane nodded, tire clouding the bulb in his eyes, his head tilting. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Kian put an arm around his shoulder and brushed a soft kiss against a pale cheek. “Do you want to lie down in the car for a bit? I can go and get us some food.”

“I don’t feel like eating.” Shane mumbled like his lips were numb.

“You haven’t had anything since last night. Something small at least. Okay? Please.”

Shane opened his mouth to protest, then decided he didn’t have the energy to argue. He nodded instead and followed when Kian supported him up back inside the car.

***

Kian picked up a sandwich for Shane and a large bottle of water from the nearest convenience store.  He got himself a muffin. He’d be hungry. It had to do though. The envelope his father had slipped him hadn’t been the thickest, but it was the best he could do. Kian was still grateful.

He looked through the car window when he got back. Shane was asleep. Kian smiled to himself and put the car keys back in his pocket. Shane was tired enough – he didn’t want to wake him up. He settled down on the patch of grass from earlier instead and flipped through the Dundrum local newspaper that he picked up too.

 _‘Apartments and Houses for Rent’_ , he landed on.

The page looked like a blur. Names and addresses and numbers and prices. Prices that were too high. Maybe looking for a job first would be the right order. He thought it would be clear once they actually reached the new city. He thought they’d be able to come up with a proper action plan easily. The sudden runaway didn’t give them enough time to plan at all. He thought the new city would cleanse their minds and show them a path.

Apparently not.

_Tap tap._

He looked up from the hectic pages. Shane was knocking on the car window from the inside, a little smile spread across his lips as he waved. And that was it. That was what Kian did all of this for. That was why Kian was here on the other side of the country, risking everything. For that boy smiling at him.

Kian smiled back, his heart feeling impossibly full despite the situation, and climbed into the backseat. “How are you feeling?”

“Better, I think.” Shane thanked him when he handed the sandwich over. Frowned when he saw a little muffin in Kian’s hand. “Is that all you’re having?”

“Yeah, I’m not that hungry. I’ll be alright.”

Shane was studying him. Kian tried to smile a little. It was no use against this boy though. They saw through each other like cellophane. After almost two years together, over ten years of friendship, there was no getting past each other. “Please. You used to have two breakfasts every day.”

Kian stumbled into a half-chuckle, half-sigh. “Look, I just… thought we should save as much as we can.”

“That doesn’t mean you need to get me something good and get yourself something like that. Here,” Shane ripped his sandwich in half and handed it over. Shook his head when Kian tried to push it back. “Have it. Please?”

“You’ll be hungry though.”

“And so will you. We can be hungry together.”

Kian looked up to a kind smile. To a hint of a sparkle that returned to those eyes but fluttered away within two blinks. The bruise darkening underneath it looked bigger than any of the ones Kian had had to witness for ten years. A sour taste swirled on his tongue as he tried to not look directly at it, like a lunar eclipse. It never seemed to get easier, seeing Shane like this. Kian reached out to softly graze his thumb over the swollen discolour.

“Ow,” Shane flinched.

Kian sighed and pulled his hand back.

“It’ll go away,” Shane lilted, as if it was supposed to make him feel better.

Sure, the scar would fade. In his mind, in Shane’s mind, it would never fade. Kian pursed his lips and separated the muffin top from the bottom, handed it over. “Fair trade.”

“Fair trade,” Shane smirked. “Thanks.”

They ate in silence for a bit, their shoulders touching.

“So um,” Shane spoke in a few minutes. He tried to put a cluster of words in order. “Earlier, with that… that panic thing, that was… I don’t know. Thank you for being great. And sorry.”

“Not a problem,” Kian bit into the sandwich in his left hand and grabbed Shane’s hand with his right. “Did you want to talk about it?”

“I think I was just… overwhelmed more than anything. Scared. Like…” Shane shrugged. “I’ve never been away from home, you know? Even if it was shit, that was home for me. It was all I ever knew. I’ve always had a roof on top of my head at least.” Kian nodded along. “And now we’re out here in the big city without a single plan or anything and it’s just… I don’t know what we’re supposed to do from here. What we’re supposed to even begin with.”

“We’ll figure it out as we go.” Kian squeezed his hand. Felt it squeeze back. “At least we can sleep in the car for a while.”

That didn’t really seem to console Shane. He just nodded, looked into his sandwich as if there was some sort of answer in between the disappearing bread.

“We’ll look for a small place together. We’ll both find a job. We’ll be okay. I promise.” Shane looked up at him. His eyes were so tired it hurt. “I promise,” Kian repeated.

Shane took a deep breath for himself and leaned his head on Kian’s shoulder. Smiled when a kiss was planted in his hair.

***

The ad had seemed promising enough in the papers. A cheap studio apartment. When they drove up to the address, the neighbourhood looked nice enough too. Maybe it really was going to be okay.

“Cute,” Shane commented.

“It is, yeah.” Kian rang the doorbell and waited until the door opened to a man, late 30s at the least, a friendly smile greeting them. “Hi uh, I’m Kian. This is Shane. We spoke on the phone this morning? We were interested in the flat.”

“Oh yes of course! Come in. I’m Clive.” He shook each of their hands as they entered, studying them both carefully.

It was tiny. Really tiny. But they hadn’t expected much anyway. It was nice enough. There was a double-sized bed and a nightstand, a small desk in the corner, a mini-fridge.

“Does this come with the furniture, or?” Kian asked.

“It does.” Clive kept on shooting side glances towards Shane while they were talking. Kian didn’t like it.

Shane went in to check out the bathroom. Clive came up to him, tentative steps, arms crossed and voice lowered.

“Listen, um, I don’t want to pry or whatever but what’s the deal with your friend?”

He frowned. “What do you mean?”

“He’s all… you know.” Clive did a vague gesture around his face with his hand. “Black and blue. The lad seems like bad news.” A tempered devil in Kian’s head told him to break that hand. Kian tried to silence it.

“You don’t even know him.” Kian felt his cheeks flare up a bit.

“I’ve interviewed heaps of applicants, kid. I know how to differentiate between good and bad apples.” Clive shot a dirty look towards the bathroom.

Bad apple. Shane Filan. The kindest boy he had ever known. A bad apple. Kian would have laughed in his face if a defensive wall wasn’t making his toes curl. He just glowered back at him, watching Clive awkwardly look between he and Shane.

“Listen, I’m not trying to judge or anything. All I’m saying is if you lads do end up signing and if he brings trouble with _that_ ,” he gestured at his face again, “I’m going to have to kick both of you out.”

Kian rolled his eyes, felt his chest clench. “You know what? We don’t want your fucking place.” Without a single look back at Clive’s angry scoff, he marched into the bathroom and grabbed Shane’s arm. “We’re leaving. Let’s go.”

“What do you mean? This is a nice place. I like it. It’s-“

“I said we’re leaving. Come on.” Kian practically dragged him out of there. He had to push down the temptation to go back in and punch the man when he tried to yell at them.

“What’s going on?” Shane tried to pry himself out of the tight grip. Kian wouldn’t stop. “Ki. You’re hurting me. Please, just,” he was dragged halfway down the entire block. Shane’s heart beat fastened. “Kian!” Shane managed to push the boy off him, frowning at the burn on his arm as he rubbed it, a prick in his nerve-endings that told him this rush was too familiar. Kian looked back at him, a realisation of guilt watering the fire in his chest. “Jesus, what’s wrong with you?”

“I…” Kian huffed and scrubbed his face. “I’m sorry.”

Shane crossed his arms. Tried to calm down. “What happened?”

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter. I just didn’t like the guy.” Kian walked up closer and put his hand on Shane’s tense arm. “Are you alright? Sorry.”

“I’m fine,” Shane swallowed hard. He didn’t want to dig into it. “Seriously, what happened? The place was nice.”

“I know. Clive wasn’t though.”

“Clive? He seemed friendly.”

“Just trust me.” Kian didn’t have it in him to tell Shane. Shane would blame himself, even more than he was now. He leaned in to hug him instead, felt the boy slowly melt against him, a shallow sigh escaping him and blowing into Kian’s hair. “I’m sorry,” Kian mumbled. Shane hugged him back.

“God, your temper, Egan.” Shane softly chuckled. Kian did too. “What am I going to do with you?”

***

“This two-bedded apartment in Dundrum is asking for 500 quid per month. This is ridiculous,” Kian shook his head and put a big X on the ad.

“Yeah. Nothing good on this one either,” Shane chewed on his bottom lip as he looked through another newspaper, the concept of hope becoming more foreign with every printed line. “How much money do we have left?”

Kian reached for the envelope to check but was stopped by his phone ringing. He checked the caller, swore underneath his breath.

“Why? Who is it?”

“Mam. I uh… didn’t really call her since we got up here.”

“Oh.” Shane winced. “Um. What are you going to tell her?”

“I… I don’t…” The phone sounded louder than usual. Like it was screaming at him to pick up. He caved. “Hello?”

She sounded excited to hear her son’s voice as she asked him how it was going, why he hadn’t called, how Shane was feeling. The kind voice made Kian want to cry a bit. “So tell me all about your new home! Do you two like it?”

“Yeah, it’s great. It’s…” Kian looked at Shane. Got an encouraging smile back. That was home. This boy right here was home. He didn’t break the gaze. “It’s lovely. Perfect.”

Shane widened his smile and held his hand. _‘Perfect’_ , Shane mouthed back. Kian really wanted to cry now. If Shane had noticed, he hadn’t shown it. Just squeezed his hand tighter and laid his head down on his shoulder. Kian looked up at the ceiling to try and hold it in.

“And Dublin’s treating you well?”

“Dublin’s cool. I think the population here is like double compared to Sligo.” Kian chuckled to hide the tremble in his voice. Shane’s thumb rubbed softly over the top of his hand. “Anyways, I should get going. We still need to unpack some stuff.”

“Alright, I’ll let you get to it. Don’t forget to call me, okay? And tell Shane I said hi!”

“I will I will. Love you, mam.”

“Love you too, darling. Bye.”

He hung up with a heavy sigh from the pit of his stomach, and Shane shuffled closer to him.

“You okay?”

Kian nodded. He wasn’t, really. “I just… Hearing her voice, it’s… You know.” Kian stopped himself when he felt the first tear roll down his cheek. Shane was there to catch it. He was always there. “I miss her.”

“Yeah,” Shane whispered sympathetically, caught another tear that gashed his heart. “I’m really sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“It is though.”

Kian looked up at him in silence, lips wriggling and a mountain of words behind the rim. He wanted to yell at him. To slap him across the face and _yell_ at him. It’s not your fault. None of this is on you. It’s not your fault that we’re out here, that you were hurting for ten years, that you did what you had to do to be safe. None of this is your fucking _fault_. Kian bit down on his tongue. He just reached out an arm. “Come here,” he said.

Shane slithered into his embrace, snuggled up in the car’s backseat that was slowly becoming their oasis, whether they wanted it to or not.

“Can you promise me something?” Kian asked, running his fingers through Shane’s hair.

“Anything for you.”

“Promise me that you won’t say sorry for this again. For us being here.” Shane pulled back and opened his mouth to argue but Kian put his hand up, shook his head. “Promise me that you won’t blame yourself anymore. You’ve apologised to me a hundred times since we’ve been out here. You don’t need to apologise, love.”

“I just… don’t want this to ruin your life.”

“And watching you ruin yours back home would have somehow made it better?” Kian cupped his boyfriend’s jaw, lifted it up slightly. Shane still wouldn’t look at him. “It’s not like I was in the best place there either. Our family’s butt poor, if you can’t remember.”

Shane breathed out a small chuckle. Kian smiled at the skin swelling under his touch.

“This is all I want. To be with you and to be _happy_ with you. There’s no way we could’ve made that happen in Sligo, but here, we can. For both of us. It’s a fresh start. Why would you be sorry about that?”

Shane pondered in silence for a bit, a comfortable stillness that Kian knew he needed occasionally to piece parts of his brain together in his own time. Kian found it endearing, actually. Shane would always suck on his bottom lip, eyebrows wriggling, and it never failed to make Kian fall in love that little bit more.

“Okay,” Shane finally spoke.

“Okay?”

“Okay,” Shane sighed nervously. Yeah. Yes. Okay.

Kian nodded and leaned in for a quick kiss. This was all he wanted.


	3. Three

Shane wanted to smash this mirror. He would have if three of the bathroom stalls weren’t occupied. Just to help his mind run from the picture of those bruises for three seconds. To help shatter it and see broken glass instead of purple swollen skin and scabs.

He sighed and stripped his gaze away to squeeze a tiny dollop of toothpaste on his toothbrush. People who came out of the cubicles gave him weird looks, and he had never brushed his teeth that quickly before. He fixed his gaze at the sink in front of him.

“You look a bit young to be out on the streets.”

“Sorry?”

Shane looked up from the sink, at a man that was washing his hands from the sink beside him. He had long, tough hair like boat rope, tangled and indistinguishable between the beard housing thin hidden lips. Wrinkles were marked beside his eyes, latching on and squatting for at least four decades. A large backpack beside him, a patchy blanket rolled up and secured on top of it.

“I know one when I see one.” _Do I look homeless?_ ”What are you – twenty? Twenty-one?”

“Um. Nineteen.”

“Nineteen. Right. Shit.” The man didn’t speak for a while as he scrubbed his hands. He offered Shane his soap. Shane politely declined, thought if he should make a run for it right about now. “I know how tough it is, lad. I’ve been homeless since I was just fourteen years of age.”

Shane looked up at that. Met the man’s eyes that looked like they were donating a smile, although he couldn’t quite tell by the way the beard was still concealing possibly curved lips.

“Got somewhere to sleep? It’s getting cold. Winter’s coming.”

“Yeah, I-“ Shane cleared his tightening throat. He didn’t know why he felt like crying. “I’m staying in my car.”

“Oh, you have a car? That’s great. Good.” The man was definitely smiling. Definitely. So maybe he shouldn’t make a run for it. “Can I give you some advice?”

Shane nodded.

“I don’t know what your backstory and that is. You look like you have a complicated one,” the man gestured at his eye with a grimace, “but don’t give up. Don’t give up on yourself. Do whatever you have to do to keep going.”

He rolled up his thick sleeve. Revealed angry scars that had become a part of his skin just across his wrists. Shane softly gasped, ice particles lodging themselves in his lungs.

“I’ve tried to give up so many times. Was just your age when I first tried to end it. Just nineteen. I thought anything would be better than _this_.” He put his sleeve back down. “But no matter how hard I tried to kill meself, something always brought me back. I was always brought back. I was always saved. Like somethin’ up there was telling me to keep living. And I hated that at the time.”

Shane’s throat was tightening again.

“But everyone has a purpose, y’know? Everything happens for a reason. I’ve learnt that the hard way. We all exist for a reason. And I’m sure whatever yours is, it’s brilliant.”

“Right. Yeah. Thanks.” Shane nodded and wiped a tear that he felt roll down his cheek. The man gave him another soft smile.

“I wish you luck, kid. You’ll be alright.”

***

The past week, they must have looked at about twenty places in different neighbourhoods. Most of the places were decent enough. They weren’t exactly fussy about wherever they could go. It would certainly be better than sleeping squashed up in the backseat of their car, charging their phones wherever they could, washing up in public bathrooms with cheap soap and the circulation of three towels that Kian packed from home, slowly reducing their meals as the days went to save the little money they had left. Any upgrade would have been welcome.

They all required a month’s rent payment in advance though. They didn’t fucking have that.

“What if I get a job first?” Kian asked, his head about to explode reading through the same newspaper ads.

“Don’t you need an address to get a job?”

“If I just work in like a café or something, they don’t need to know where I live.”

Shane sighed and closed the paper in his lap, laid his head back on the headrest of the seat and blankly looked up at the low ceiling. He felt like he was going to vomit the next time he had to look at this grey ceiling again. “Maybe if we go to another suburb. Maybe it’s just Dundrum that’s trying to fuck us over.”

“Maybe,” Kian closed his paper. That seemed like a viable option. Hell, any option seemed like a viable option right now. “We’ve got nothing to lose. Might as well.”

“Where though?” Shane reached over to the glove compartment and got out the map. He didn’t think he’d need to look at this again. He shuffled closer to Kian and opened it up. A cluster of foreign suburb names and lines of green, Shane had never felt so lost in his life. “Is it stupid if I just… close my eyes and point to something?”

Kian laughed, despite it all. “Look, honestly, I can’t think of a better method. I believe in your finger.”

Shane covered his eyes and waved his finger around, put it down two seconds later. _Irishtown_ , it read. “Irishtown?”

“Well, that’s just a shit lazy name. I don’t like it. Pick another one.”

Shane snickered and did it again. _Baldoyle_. “That sounds cool enough. Baldoyle.”

“It looks far though.”

“Maybe that’s a good thing. And it’s by the coast. You love beaches.”

Kian looked at him, into tired eyes that just wanted something to change. Anything. He got it. “You’re right,” Kian brushed a kiss on his cheek and brought the map into his hands. “Do you want to drive?”

***

 _Welcome to Baldoyle_ , the sign proudly displayed after forty minutes on the road.

“Imagine we had those signs for every suburb in Sligo.”

“Typical Dubs,” Shane smirked and looked out the window. The town felt a little less chaotic than Dundrum. Clean. Calm. “I think I like it so far,” he commented.

“We’ve only been in it for like two minutes.”

“I know but still. It already feels better.” Shane pulled over in front of a convenience store. “Food first?”

Kian nodded and fetched the envelope from the glove compartment. It felt awfully thin. “I uh… probably won’t. You can get something though.”

“Kian, we haven’t eaten since yesterday morning.” Shane moaned. Felt like his stomach was skinned and flipped inside out. “Just something small. We can share a banana bread or whatever.”

“Fuck, a banana bread sounds so good right now.” Kian sank in his seat. “Warm with a little butter spread on top. _Jay_ sus.”

“Butter? What are you, the royal family?” Shane chuckled and put his hand out. Kian reluctantly passed on the envelope.

“Just one bread, okay?”

“Yes, mam.” Shane rolled his eyes with a fond smile and stepped out to the store.

He took a quick walk around the store, only looking for the banana bread. If he started looking at all the other food, he was sure he was going to cry and salivate over the entire store at the same time. He walked up to the counter with the bread, a large bottle of water that they were running out of, and the local paper.

“Hi, just these, thanks.” Shane put them on the counter and smiled at the worker who started packing them.

A sign taped to the wall behind the counter caught his eye. _‘PART-TIME WORKER WANTED.’_

“Oh, you guys are hiring?”

“Yeah,” the cashier looked up and showed a friendly smile, “are you interested?”

“Um,” Shane looked out at their rusty car, at his starving boyfriend. He heard the man from the bathroom in his ear. _Everything happens for a reason. Do whatever you have to do to keep going._ Right. “Yeah, I am.”

“Cool. Do you have a resume on you? I can pass it onto the boss.”

“Oh uh, no. Sorry. Do I need one?” The guy pursed his lips for a bit, thinking. Shane felt like the smallest person.

“Look, it would be better if you have one but,” he looked around and fetched a pen and paper. “Just write down your name and number and I can still pass it on. I’ll ask her to call you.”

“Oh that would be great, thank you so much.” He scribbled it down and handed it back.

“Shane,” the boy read with a cute smirk. “I’m Nicky. Maybe we’ll end up working together.”

“Hopefully. Fingers crossed.” Shane smiled back. “Thanks for that, Nicky.”

He jogged back and opened the backseat car door, slid in.

“You took long.” Kian raised an eyebrow.

“Sorry, the guy in there was a talker.” Shane handed him half the banana bread, leaning into an arm that came around his shoulder.

***

Looking through the apartments started again. God, this was draining. He wanted to go for a walk maybe, hold Kian’s hand at a park and talk about something that wasn’t about finding a place to live or what jobs they were going to get for once. Or even just by himself for a few minutes to clear his head. But Kian was asleep on his lap, soft breaths and occasional puppy murmurs like music, and Shane had to smile, his fingers brushing away Kian’s fringe from his eyes.

_Zzzzzz. Zzzzz._

Shane fished out his vibrating phone from his pocket. He couldn’t really think of anyone who would call him. Kian’s parents, maybe. Unless it was his fath… No. It couldn’t be. He swallowed hard. Thought about not answering it. Maybe even turning his phone off. His chest felt tight.

He looked at the caller ID. It was a number he’d never seen before. He opened the car door, carefully slid out like a human game of Jenga, and rolled up his hoodie as a substitute before closing the door as quiet as possible.

Settling down on the pavement and crossing his legs, he took a deep breath and answered his phone.

“Hello?”

“Hello?” A woman’s voice. Shane raised an eyebrow. “Is this Shane Filan?”

“Um, sorry, can I ask who’s calling?’

“This is Alyssa from Corner Convenience. You left your number for the job?”

“Oh! Right. Yes. Hi.” Shane cleared his voice. Fuck. “Thanks for calling back.”

“My pleasure.” She sounded sweet. A honey high-pitched voice that felt like a hug. Shane smiled. “How old are you at the moment, if you don’t mind me asking?’

“I’m nineteen.”

“Right. In uni?”

“No, I just moved up here.”

“Okay, no problem. Do you have any past work experience?”

“Um, I worked in a clothes store for a couple months back home.” Shane scraped the concrete beneath his feet. “It was customer service,” he added, in case that helped. She asked a few more questions, just the basics - his availabilities, his skills, which wasn’t much, but she seemed satisfied enough.

“Would you be able to come in for a trial shift tomorrow afternoon? Around one o’clock for about two hours. You’ll be paid for that.”

“Oh,” Shane widened his eyes. “Yes, absolutely. Thank you so much.”

“No need. I’ll see you tomorrow, Shane.”

“See you then. Thanks. Bye.”

She hung up.

Right. This was happening. He felt a tingle in the tips of his fingers. A positive one. Unlike the ones he had felt for years when he tiptoed into his house at night when the lights were off, unlike the ones he felt when he heard his father sleep-talk drowned in alcohol, hoping he wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night, because if he did, it never led to anything remotely positive.

No, these were good tingles. Something where he felt like he was worth something for once. Where he felt like he could do something for Kian instead of always receiving.

He wanted to run back to the car and tell Kian.

***

It felt like they were out in the open field, cold evening winds piercing through gaps of the car doors, through their skin and bones. Winter really slowly approaching.

Shane squeezed his eyes shut, hoping sleep would hunt him down soon. It was only just past seven, the night sky conquering the day’s, and he wasn’t exactly tired, but there wasn’t much else to do.

He missed the little things. He missed watching TV. Listening to CDs, even if he had to turn it on at the lowest volume in the corner of his room, shooting side-glances at the door every ten seconds, just in case. He missed reading magazines and cutting out pictures from Smash Hits, carefully clipping around Brian Littrell’s face and being proud of the clean edges. Cuddling with Kian on the couch watching shitty daytime reality shows until his father came home from work. Those little moments had meant everything to Shane. Every little moment that weren’t so little after all.

But he guessed this was nice too. Kian curled up against his back and spooning him, gentle breaths like music in his ear, even if it was freezing, just each other to warm up with.

“Are you sleeping?” Kian whispered.

“No. I thought you were sleeping.”

“I’m not tired,” Kian hugged him tighter. Shane smiled. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“You’re shivering.” Kian’s hand rubbed his arm.

Shane hadn’t realised he was. “I’m okay,” he muttered through lips that suddenly felt frozen.

“Do you want more clothes? I think I have a hoodie in the trunk.”

“I’ll get it. Later.” Shane rolled around so that he was facing Kian, his cold nose buried in a heater of a chest. Just when he was getting comfortable, letting his eyes slide shut, Kian’s stomach grumbled. He realised they’d only had breakfast today. Two pieces of bread each from a loaf they’d invested in. Shane felt a lump in his throat, his fingers prodding Kian’s empty stomach.

“I’m okay,” Kian whispered. Shane could feel him try to pull back from his touch.

“You’re not.” Shane puffed a frustrated sigh.

It seemed to be this all the time lately. Are you okay? I’m okay. I’m alright. I’m grand. Are _you_ okay? I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m fucking okay.

“I’m sick of this.” Shane heard his own voice thicken. Kian smoothed the back of Shane’s head, and he curved into the comforting touch.

“Shane…”

“Did we make a mistake?”

“No,” Kian answered in half a heartbeat. “We didn’t.”

Of course they didn’t. Shane took a deep breath and nodded slowly. “It’ll get better,” Shane mumbled in Kian’s chest. Although, it sounded more like he was trying to convince himself more than anyone else.

“It’ll get better,” Kian repeated back anyway. Maybe he needed a little convincing too.

***

Kian pointed at an ad. “That looks pretty good. One bedroom. Affordable.”

“It does, yeah. Do you wanna give them a call? It says ‘Call before 9’.”

Kian fetched his phone and dialled. Shane glazed through the other ads as Kian voiced their interest over the phone, asking questions, answering some, and organising a time to meet. “1 PM?”

Shane looked up. Shit. He couldn’t do 1 PM.

“Yeah, that’s perfect. Alright. I’ll see you then. Thank you.” Kian hung up and looked at him with a victorious smile. “Got it.”

“Right. Yeah. Um.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. But uh.” Shane sat up. He didn’t know why he was nervous. This wasn’t something to be nervous about. “I have to tell you something.” Kian was looking worried. Bless him. “It’s not bad news. I just haven’t told you.”

“Haven’t told me what?” Kian was still looking worried.

“I um, think I might have gotten a job. Kind of. Maybe. Possibly.”

Kian raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

Kian didn’t seem too pleased. Either that or he was just surprised. Either way, Shane felt guilty. “That convenience store I went to yesterday? Um,” Shane fiddled with his fingers. “They said they were looking and that I didn’t need a resume or anything so I thought why not.”

“You could have told me, you know.” Kian pouted, crossed his arms. “Why didn’t you tell me? Did you not trust me or something?”

“I didn’t trust my _self_ , love.” Shane shuffled closer to unfold Kian’s arms and hold his hand. “I just… wasn’t sure if I’d get it. I didn’t want to get your hopes up and then have them not even call me back. I don’t exactly look great right now so I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t,” Shane gestured at his clothes that he hadn’t changed in about a week and unwashed hair. Kian glared at him for a bit, then eventually gave into a clumsy scoff. Shane smiled back. “I wasn’t confident that I’d get it. I’m still not, honestly. She offered me a _trial_ shift.”

“You’ll get it.” Kian said softly, eyes not meeting his and fingers squeezing back.

“Thanks.” Shane leaned forward for a soft kiss that always seemed to make things better. “I should have told you earlier. Sorry.”

“You should have, but I’m proud of you.” Kian’s confused frown melted into a tender smile. It was funny how Kian still had the power to transform his stomach into a butterfly garden after two years, how his words meant the world. “So when’s that shift then?”

“At one tomorrow. She said it goes for about two hours.”

“One? We have the flat thing at one.”

“Yeah,” Shane wriggled his lips, apologetic.

“Right. Well, I can call back and see if we can move it.”

“You’re a superstar,” Shane kissed him again and let Kian get to his phone.

***

Alyssa was just how Shane imagined her to be. A little chubby with cute red cheeks, the friendliest smile and bright eyes that captivated the warmth of the Sun in them. He’d said hi to Nicky as well who was going to be training him.

He’d started with a quick tour around the store, roughly which category of items were in each aisle, a run through of the cash register, practice purchases. He almost shat himself when he had to serve the first real customer, but when she left, Nicky pat him on the back with a lovely “good job, mate”, and Alyssa had nodded at him with a thumbs up.

He could do this. He could make Kian proud.

After a quick break, Nicky led him out to the back to restock the drinks.

“So where did you move from? Alyssa said you just moved here.” Nicky asked, handing him a box of Coke cans.

“Yeah. Sligo. From the West.”

“Shit, that’s far. Did you have a farm?”

Shane chuckled. “Not everyone in Sligo has a farm, you know.”

“Nah, I refuse to believe you,” Nicky smirked. He was charming. Instantly likeable. Easy-going and friendly and a joker. It felt like Shane had known him for years instead of two hours. “What made you move to Baldoyle?”

“Oh, just… you know. Wanted a change. I was getting sick of the countryside and…” Shane trailed off with a shrug. He looked away, grabbing himself a box of Sprite.

“Right,” Nicky said flatly. Even if Nicky didn’t believe him, he didn’t question it. Shane was thankful. “So you moved up here by yourself? Brave move.”

“No, I came with um,” Shane paused for a second. This was the big city. People weren’t that homophobic here. Or at least he hoped. Being gay in Sligo wasn’t the easiest thing in the world. “With a friend,” he decided on in the end. He wanted to kick himself instantly.

“Oh cool.” They stocked in silence for a while, Nicky humming along to the sound of the radio through the store’s speakers. “I’m gonna let Alyssa rest and go mind the counter. You good back here by yourself?” Shane nodded. “Don’t forget the orange juices over there. If you have any questions, just give me a shout.”

“Thanks, Nicky.”

Nicky winked at him.

***

Kian was busy being proud of him. A wide grin reached all the way to his ears and asked a million questions. ‘Was it busy?’ ‘Not too hard?’ ‘What was Nicky like? And Alyssa?’ ‘Do you think they liked you?’

“What did you get up to for two hours?” Shane asked. He realised this was the first time they actually spent some time without each other since the big move, even if it was just a couple of hours.

Kian shrugged. “Just walked around for a bit. Saw what was around. Listened to the radio. Thought about a lot of things. You. Us.”

“Good things, I hope.”

“Definitely good things.” Kian smiled and leaned in for a kiss. Couldn’t find it in him to pull back from this.

Shane’s hand caressed his jaw and he shuffled closer, lips creating a slow dance of their own, Shane’s soft moan vibrating through every nerve.

“Missed you,” Shane whispered.

“It was only two hours.”

“No I mean, like… _you_. All of this. I haven’t kissed you properly in ages.” Shane ran his fingers through blonde hair that was starting to get long. He kind of liked it this way. Kian looked nice. Especially with that little smile flickering across his face. “It’s always looking for apartments and trying to sort out food and not freezing to death. We haven’t just… _been_ in a while. I really missed you.”

Kian hummed in agreement. Leaned into the hand that ran through his hair again. “Kiss me.”

And Shane did. He never wouldn’t. And with every moan that vibrated against his lips, Shane’s hand inched closer towards Kian’s pants, shyly tugging at his waistband.

“We haven’t done this since we came here,” Kian breathed. They hadn’t. Not when they were busy worrying about being homeless for the rest of their lives.

“Do you want to?” Shane looked up at him from underneath his lashes, a heavy burst of stars in the pupils, and Kian nodded, his Adam’s apple bobbing.

“We can’t do it here though,” Kian glanced outside the car windows.

Shane swore underneath his breath and propped himself up on his elbow. “Um,” he looked around out the window. Kian was right. It was too open. “What if we drove to like, an alleyway?”

“Are you serious?”

“I want you,” Shane whispered, dipping down to kiss Kian’s neck.

“Fuck, Shay, just…” Kian whimpered. Jolted up when Shane’s fingers brushed against the bulge in his pants. “Alright. Drive.”

“Hm?”

“ _Drive_.”

***

Kian was knuckle-deep, three fingers in, peppering kisses on the back of Shane’s neck as he panted.

“Yes…” Shane hissed, forehead digging into the car seat, hot and sticky.

“You’re so good for me.” Kian whispered, sent shivers down Shane’s wriggling spine.

“Always,” Shane whispered back. He would always be good for Kian. Always.

When Kian pulled his fingers out, Shane missed them already. But he heard the unmistakable sound of a condom packet ripping, and Shane tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach when all he did was grow a garden for them.

“Are you good?” Kian asked, kisses being spotted along his nape, a hard length poking near his backside.

“Fuck me,” Shane growled as he peeped a quick look outside the car. It was still an empty alleyway. It was their alleyway now.

Kian slowly slid inside him and Shane never remembered feeling so _full_ , like he’d never be as tight as he used to be, and he was okay with that.

Impatiently, after a few gentle thrusts, Kian really _moved_. Shane’s prostate was making his mind numb, the way Kian didn’t know how to slow down, especially with teeth scraping at his shoulder blade.

The hem of the t-shirt that Shane hadn’t taken off was dampening from his leaking cock that didn’t get enough friction from grinding on the car seats, but he wouldn’t have this any other way.

Kian panted against his neck, a hot breath burning marks on his skin with every rough thrust, and Shane was so sure that Kian would always have the ultimate power to rip apart his nervous system. He pressed his palm against the car window to grasp a sense of himself. It wasn’t necessarily helping, but it would have to do.

His raw hole was shooting stars at his cock, and Shane grunted noises that may have sounded like “I need to come” but wanted it to sound like “never stop. Never let me go. Never.”

Kian’s hand smashed against his on the window, a desperate clasp around the sweaty spaces in between his fingers, and with a thrust that hit all the way to his backbone, Kian came inside him. It didn’t take much for Shane to follow. Just the feeling of Kian’s liquid spreading inside him and his cock crushing against the seats, and Kian’s lips back on his nape whispering words of comfort. That did it.

They squished up to lie down next to each other, Kian spooned against his back and soaking through his thin shirt as they tried to catch their escaping breaths.

“Why didn’t we do that sooner?” Kian panted with a soft chuckle that breezed through Shane’s ear.

“Because we are absolute idiots,” Shane rolled over to rest his face in Kian’s chest, breathing in a familiar scent that meant home, no matter where they physically were.

Kian leaned in for a kiss, and Shane thought in half a heartbeat that he could stay here forever and not regret a single thing in his life. That this was all he had ever wanted. That this was what he was waiting for all those years in the dark. “Did I ever tell you that you’re really pretty?”

“I could get used to hearing it a few times more,” Shane giggled, and he was about to lean in for another kiss when his phone rang. “Urgh,” He groaned and reached around to the front seat where his phone had somehow ended up and answered it. “Hello?”

“Hey, Shane. It’s Alyssa.”

“Oh!” Shane sat up. Kian sat up too, a bemused eyebrow raised. “Alyssa. Hi.”

“You did a great job today. If you still want it, the job’s yours. I’d love to have you work here.” Shane could hear the smile in her voice. Could feel the hug from her tone.

He wanted to cry.

He jabbed Kian’s arm with a rush of excitement. Kian laughed at him and jabbed back, already an inkling hitting his brain and colouring it pink.

“Thank you so much. Really, I... Thank you,” Shane melted when Kian reached out to hold his hand, and even more when it squeezed around his fingers.

“Nine o’clock tomorrow. Sharp.”

“No problem. I’ll be there.” Shane thanked her a million times more, then finally hung up.

“I can’t believe you got it!”

Kian leaped forward for a hug, making Shane fall back onto his back. Two laughs mixed in the air between them, and if happiness was ever a concept to exist in his life, Shane figured this was it. Finally doing something for himself, by himself for once in his goddamn life. Someone’s approval telling him that he did a great job, that he was _wanted_. And the love of his life in his arms, right there to share all of this with. This was it.

“I’m so proud of you.” Kian kissed his cheek and pulled him in by grabbing his ass. “Wanna go again? Celebratory round.” Kian had a smirk on his face that Shane didn’t think he would ever say no to.


	4. Four

Shane was in love with this flat instantly from the blue door they knocked on. A living room fully furnished with a balcony looking out at the quiet city, a cosy bedroom perfect for the two of them, on a clean street with a homey diner you see on TV Shows, like Luke’s Diner, just one minute away. And it was cheap. Turned out Dundrum really was trying to fuck them over.

Kian looked pleased too, poking his head through the doorways and the toilet.

“What do you think?” The landlord asked.

“It’s great, Bill.” Kian said, and Shane hummed in an agreement.

Bill had welcomed them with the biggest smile.

They started talking straight away. Lease signing and the security deposit that they could afford with the remainder of the envelope and Shane’s little trial shift pay.

Bill handed them the key and left.

“Do we really have a place now?” Shane asked, looking around the small flat like it wasn’t theirs. He felt tears stand in his eyes. Was sure there were some in Kian’s too, no matter how much he tried to not show them.

“Are we adults?” Kian laughed, slid his arm around Shane’s waist and pulled him closer. Shane put his arm around his shoulder.

“Thank you,” Shane whispered bashfully. “Thank you for coming with me, for being here with me. Just… for everything. This is insane.”

Kian kissed his cheek and felt a smile swell to his touch. “Are you crying?”

“Don’t act like you’re not about to.” Shane elbowed him and wiped his own eyes. “God, I… I never thought we’d have this. Ever.”

“Me neither.” Kian looked around once again. They had actual walls. Instead of car doors, _walls_. And a couch, and a bed. A TV that was small but good enough. More than good enough. Basic shelves and desks, what normal homes would have. They had that. A place to come back to after tiring days. A normal home. A home.

Home.

Kian watched Shane wipe his eyes again with his sleeve and brushed a kiss against a soft cheek.

***

Nicky had told him that he looked happy today, and Shane hadn’t realised there was a spring in his step.

Because waking up next to Kian on a bed, in a place they could call _home_ was easily one of the best things in the world. Feeling that sunlight kiss his skin and wake him up, then watching as Kian was also kissed and caressed by the warmth, opening those beautiful blue eyes and himself being the first thing Kian smiled for in the morning. Shane didn’t think anything could beat that.

Work was somehow smoother too. So this was what happiness felt like. It was either that or he was getting a hang of this job. He’d bet on both with happiness taking the bigger cut.

He’d look forward to going back home to Kian after work, and actually having a proper place to go back to instead of a rusty car or a mere brick structure that he lived in for the first nineteen years of his life. He could actually look forward to winding down at the end of the day. Going back to arms and a heart that was larger than life, and that pure thought made everything in his day easier.

Shane looked at his phone when it beeped.

**Just woke up from a nap on our OWN bed ! Still not used to this. Can’t wait to see you later xx**

He smirked and put his phone back in his pocket. Nicky asked what was so funny. Nothing, he said. Yes, nothing. Not his heart two seconds from exploding or anything. Nothing.

***

Nicky was looking at him a little funny from the moment Shane walked into the store today. He didn’t mention it, but it was weird. Nicky would want to talk to him, then stop and do something else. Hey, Shane? Yes, Nicky? Nevermind.

Hey, Sha- Nevermind. Nothing.

They’d spent half the day doing this. And now he could see Nicky lift his head up every two seconds at him while he was stocking the shelves.

“Do you need to talk about something? You’ve been weird all day.”

“Um,” Nicky spoke hesitantly, his chin in his hand leaning over the counter. “I don’t know, I…” Nicky sighed. “I’ve been meaning to ask you something. But like, we haven’t known each other for that long so if you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to.”

Shane raised an eyebrow. Nicky looked nervous. This was unprecedented. “Okay, what is it?”

“On your first shift, when you came in, I noticed you had like…” Nicky stuttered for a bit. It didn’t exactly give Shane the best feeling. “Bruises and stuff.”

“Oh.” Shane looked back at the shelves. “Yeah.”

“You don’t have to tell me about it. I just want to know if you’re okay or not.”

“I’m okay.” He supposed he was. Okay.

“You sure? Need me to beat anyone up for you?” Nicky let out a careful chuckle. Felt a little at ease when Shane chuckled back. “Look, as long as you’re safe.”

Safe. It wasn’t a concept he had a lot of experience with.

Safe. Safety.

Kian was safety. Kian was all he trusted, all that encapsulated his vision of ‘safe’, and he had Kian. “I think I am,” Shane fiddled with the stock in his hands. “I just… had some problems back home. But I moved so I should be fine.”

“That sounds rough. I’m sorry.” Nicky tilted his head sympathetically when Shane looked up at him, a grey veneer in his eyes clouding for him, and Shane appreciated it. “If you ever want to talk about it, I’m all ears.”

“Thanks, mate.” Shane smiled at him and got a friendly one back.

“And that offer to beat someone up still stands, by the way. No expiry dates.”

Shane laughed. Then Nicky pretended to be offended. Went on about how he could look skinny but was the toughest fucker around.

It was nice talking to someone who wasn’t Kian. Not that he would ever not want to talk to Kian, but he never really had other friends before. This was someone new on the other side of the country, someone who seemed to care about him, someone who he felt comfortable with which was rare, and wanted to get to know more. It was really nice.

Nicky winked at him, then turned to greet the customer when the door opened.

***

Shane opened the door to a delicious smell that woke up all of his senses. This smell was familiar. He smiled to himself as he slid his jacket off.

“Babe?”

“In the kitchen!”

“What are you doing?” He hugged Kian from behind, looking over his shoulder at a pan of spaghetti Bolognese. God, he felt his mouth water. Kian’s Bolognese was easily the best in the world. Step aside, Italy.

“I made your favourite.” Kian turned to kiss his cheek, then focused back on the pan. “I was getting sick of shitty banana bread and cheap soups and stuff. We deserve it at least once. And I wanted to do something nice for you.”

“Why are you literally perfect?” Shane dug his lips into Kian’s nape when Kian laughed and closed his eyes.

“Also, I um, bought the ingredients with your money. Sorry I didn’t ask first.”

“It’s _our_ money. You don’t have to ask.”

“Still. You earned it.” Kian grimaced. “While you were at work, I went to the library to print off some resumes. I’m gonna go hand them out tomorrow.”

“If that’s what you want, sounds good. What are you going for?”

Kian shrugged. “Whatever I get. Retail. A café. Anything.”

“You should be a chef. Look at you, Mr Gordon Ramsay.” Shane cocked his chin towards the stove.

Kian scoffed. “This is just a special occasion. And I realised we didn’t even celebrate getting this place properly. Or you getting your job.”

“I beg to differ – we had a fantastic celebration in the car, mind you.” Shane cheekily grinded against him, earned a playful slap on his head. “You know you liked it,” Shane hooked his thumb over the rim of Kian’s sweatpants, tugged at it a little. “Would the sauce go bad if we left it for fifteen minutes? Or forty five?” Shane pressed another kiss in, then trailed up to the spot just behind his ear that he knew he liked. He smirked when Kian tilted his head to the side.

“After dinner.”

“Ah, come on. How about just ten?” Shane kissed the spot again, pulled him in closer by the waist.

“You’re a little shit, you know that?” Kian turned around and held the sides of Shane’s face. “Dinner first.”

Shane rolled his eyes with a fond smile. “You’re no fun, Egan.”

“Fine then don’t have any spaghetti!”

“You’re the one who made it for me.” Shane let go and dipped his finger in the sauce to taste it. He dramatically grabbed his chest. “Fuck, that’s incredible. Seriously, you should look at kitchen jobs or something. You’d be great at it.”

“Maybe.” Kian nodded. “Do you remember when I wanted to be a chef when I was younger?”

Shane felt his heart sing in nostalgia. He remembered it perfectly. Kian pretending to cook in thin air, making sizzling sound effects with his mouth, Shane patiently waiting as he pretended to be the customer at a fancy restaurant, watching Kian in awe. “We were, what, like eight?”

“Yeah,” Kian chuckled and stirred the pan.

“You know, looking back on it now, I think I was in love with you back then too.” Shane placed his hand on top of Kian’s.

Kian looked up at him, a little surprised but the tips of his lips tingling, eye looking so far into his like they held the Sun. He laughed it off. “It was ten years ago. We were kids.”

“We were. But you always made me feel safe.”

He smiled as Kian bashfully looked back down at the pan. Admired the way lips curved past blushing cheeks all the way up to kind eyes, focused on the way that smile made him feel inside. On the way it felt like a hug that could wash his soul white one day. He heard Nicky in his ear again. _‘As long as you’re safe.’_

“Nicky asked me about the bruises today. He asked if I was alright, if I was safe.”

“Oh,” Kian’s eyebrows knitted in a little.

“Yeah. Then I thought about it and realised… you’re it. Every time I look back, from all those years ago, you were what made me feel okay. What made me feel safe despite everything. You’re all I had. And you still are.”

Kian looked up into warm eyes that were staring miles into his. “You’re going to make me cry. Stop it.”

Shane smirked and ran his thumb over Kian’s peony pink cheeks a few times. “I mean it though.”

“I know.” Kian leaned in for a quick kiss, a gentle pressure on his lip that meant the world. “Be a darling and set up the table, please.”

“Bossy.” Shane rolled his eyes and went off, laughed when Kian slapped his bottom.

“Shane.” Kian said just before Shane turned the corner. “You know you’re it for me too, right?”

He turned back. Copied a warm smile and nodded. He knew.

***

Shane was sweating cold. Thick fingers wrapped around his throat, eyes staring down at him like a vulture eyeing its prey, waiting for it to stop breathing. His whole body was paralysed; from the tips of his toes to the edges of his hair, from the messages of his brain to the core of his heart.

_“Do you know how much you’ve ruined things for me?”_

Shane jolted awake.

He tried to suck air back into his lungs as he sat up. It was impossible. The room felt upside down, tugging at his stomach. He felt vile in his scratched throat.

“Shane?” a hand landed on his shoulder.

Shane jumped out of the bed. Felt his muscles loosen a little when Kian was looking up at him, surprised eyes trembling.

“Sorry.” Shane puffed. Dumped his aching head into his palms that were sweating. “Fuck, I… sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Kian’s voice was careful. Low. Shane tried to take a deep breath. “What happened?”

Shane didn’t want to look up. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to do anything. He just shook his head and slowly sank back down on the bed.

“It’s okay,” Kian crooned again. He heard fabric hissing, Kian inching closer. “Bad dream?”

Shane didn’t answer for a while. Not until he felt his heart slow down a little, not until he felt calm enough to lift his head without vomiting. “Sorry,” he murmured.

“Do you want a hug?” Kian inched closer again, a careful hand on his back. It didn’t feel so bad this time.

“Please.”

Kian moved in less than a beat, bringing arms around the boy, feeling him a little tense in his embrace. “You’re okay,” Kian brushed a soft kiss in his hair. “You’re okay.”

“He… he was choking me, I couldn’t… get away,” Shane croaked into a strong chest that felt like home.

“It was just a dream,” Kian’s hand slid down his back, then came back up even slower, and Shane tried to breathe to that rhythm. “Do you want to go back to sleep? You have work tomorrow.”

Shane shook his head. No. Because if he closed his eyes, images popped up like a movie screen. Voices filled his ear. He felt it all over again.

Kian nodded and stayed up with him, holding his hand all night.

***

Nicky was flipping through a magazine, leaning over the counter.

“Have you been to Jean Genie yet?”

“Sorry?” Shane looked at him while he was scanning items for the customer.

“Jean Genie.”

“Isn’t that a David Bowie song?”

Nicky chuckled. “Yeah. It’s also a nightclub here. Have you been?”

“No,” Shane bagged the items and thanked her as she walked out of the store before turning to Nicky again. “We haven’t really had the chance to do much yet. And we don’t really have other friends. We just moved here so.”

“Oh, well, if you and your friend want to hang out sometime, I’d be happy to show you around town.”

Shane wasn’t sure if Nicky was being courteous or if he was genuinely offering. Either way, he appreciated it. He looked up at him. “That sounds nice.”

“Yeah,” that smiled seemed genuine at least. “I can show you the good restaurants and pubs and clubs and all that. We could end up at Jean Genie. It’ll be fun. And you seem cool.”

“Cheers. You too.” Shane bit down on a bashful smile. “If you wouldn’t mind, then that would be great. Thank you.”

“Is tomorrow night good for you?”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Nicky made a funny face. “Why? You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I won’t be offended.”

“No, I just thought you were being nice.” Nicky shook his head with a smirk. Shane was grateful. “Tomorrow’s fine. But um.”

Kian probably wouldn’t mind. It was good to have friends in a new neighbourhood anyway. He wondered if he had to tell Nicky that they weren’t actually just friends though. Nicky would probably find out either way at some point, but he had never actually had to come out before except to Kian years ago. Which had been a cryfest.

He remembered when Kian came out to his family. His parents had been lovely. Had accepted him with open arms, and Shane too when Kian told them they were dating. But there had been this one uncle - Kian’s favourite uncle - who called him the day he came out, screaming on the phone about how he was never going to step a foot in heaven and how he wasn’t going to talk to him until Kian chose not to be gay.

Shane remembered holding the boy, feeling him tremble as he tried not to cry.

He assumed the city would be better.

“I should probably tell you something before we do that though.”

“Oh. Alright.” Nicky seemed a little nervous. Not as much as he was though.

“So um,” his throat closed up tight. God, he forgot how frightening this was. “That… friend I moved here with?”

Nicky’s nervous frown turned into a sneaky smile. “Let me guess. Not your friend?”

Shane looked up at him. His heart was about to jump out of his throat. Nicky said that so nonchalantly, like it wasn’t even worth a second head turn. Shane wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. “I… What?

“If he’s your boyfriend, that’s cool.” Nicky shrugged and went back to turn the magazine page.

“How um…” Shane’s mouth was dry. “How did you… know?”

“I have an exceptionally pinging gaydar.” Nicky looked back up and smirked. “It’s fine. I’m gay too.”

“Yeah?” That somehow made him feel a little better. Somehow slowed his heartbeat. Kian and himself were the only gay people he ever knew.

“Yeah. Your gaydar must be shite,” Nicky chuckled. He put his hand on Shane’s shoulder, raised an eyebrow at the tenseness of it. “You alright? Maybe I shouldn’t have said. Sorry. I just figured that was what you were going to tell me.”

“No, it was.” Shane scratched the back of his head. “I just… I was scared that you’d be like… you know.”

“A dickhead about it?”

Shane breathed out a half-chuckle. “I guess, yeah.”

“Yeah. I know how you feel. Don’t worry about it.” Nicky was still smiling at him when Shane looked up, and he didn’t know why he was nervous in the first place. “So, tell me about your lad.”

“Ehm, his name is Kian. He’s… good for me. Too good. Strong. Kind. He’s just unreal, you know?” Shane felt himself melt into a small grin. “We’ve been friends for as long as I can remember. And then we got together in high school.”

He remembered the exact moment too. Kian was sitting on his bed with a guitar while Shane was trying to study for his Leaving Cert. Tunes that he couldn’t recognise for a while, probably from one of those heavy metal bands Kian adored, until he played a gentle Boyzone melody. While the World is Going Crazy. Not even one of their singles.

“How do you even know that song?” Shane had asked. Kian had just smirked at him and continued to play the whole song. Before he knew it, he was sitting beside the boy as he played, softly humming along, looking up occasionally from talented fingers to a smiling lip and wondering how, after all these years, he never saw the immaculate beauty in them.

“I learnt it for you”, Kian had said when he finished, “you love all these stupid cheesy boyband songs”. And Shane hadn’t known what force of the Sun had washed over him, but it told him that he was in love with this boy, and he leaned in for a kiss. Kian had kissed him back. And that had been it. It had been the start of everything.

“Almost two years now.”

“Awww,” Nicky punched Shane in the arm with a stupid face, “that’s precious.”

Shane laughed and fiddled with the chip packet in his hand, just something to redirect his shy eyeline.

“We’re definitely going out tomorrow night then. I’d love to meet him.”


	5. Five

“First round is on me!” Nicky fished out his wallet.

“You sure?” Kian asked, leaning in over the loud club’s music. Nicky nodded and asked what he wanted to drink before heading to the bar.

Shane looked around, watched as lads on the dance floor grinded on each other, girls snogging and dancing, a weird sense of comfort in his chest that made him feel like he belonged here. Jean Genie had turned out to be a gay club. “I asked you because I was trying to figure out if you were gay or not and then you told me about Kian, so I was _right_ ,” Nicky had said triumphantly. So this really was the big city. He never imagined he would come to places like this, not in Sligo particularly. Had only seen it in movies and dreams. It was nice.

“What do you think about Nicky?” Shane asked, settling down at a booth and bringing his arm around boyfriend. He felt comfortable to do that, like no one would bat an eye.

“Okay, I think I may be a little bit in love with him.”

Nicky was wonderful. Kian hadn’t known what to expect at first. He’d half-expected Nicky to be a typical Dublin boy with a shiny bracelet thinking he was better than everyone else, and half-expected a smiley friendly boy bopping across the road; kind and interesting and talkative and cared like Shane had described him to be.

Nicky was definitely the latter.

Dinner had been lovely. Nicky had asked about them, about what Kian was doing now, about how they were finding Dublin, what life was like back in Sligo. Shane trailed off in some answers ambiguously, but Nicky didn’t question things further. They’d been grateful.

And when Nicky stumbled back to the booth, balancing three vodka drinks, Kian heard his heart tell him that Baldoyle was where they belonged.

“You said you were eighteen, right?” Nicky asked Kian who nodded, sipping on his drink. “Ever been to a gay club before?”

“No, never. I don’t think we even have one back home. Not that I know of, anyway.” Kian took a quick glance around the venue, smiled for himself, and even more when Shane’s fingers entwined with his over his shoulder. “I feel like a baby.”

“You’re adorable.” Nicky chuckled. “I remember my first time in a gay club. I was still closeted. Literally not a single person knew. I’d just turned eighteen and somehow worked up the courage to go by myself. It was an experience, I’ll tell you that much. Think I had like four lads offer to suck me off in the toilets. It was great.”

“I would have taken them all up on their offers if I were you,” Kian laughed.

“Oi!” Shane playfully protested, a laugh from Nicky mixing with Kian’s like the perfect harmony.

“Not _now_ , obviously. If I was single! Tell me you’d turn down four guys wanting to blow you.”

“Alright alright,” Shane rolled his eyes with a fond smile and let Nicky continue.

“One of them used teeth though, so that wasn’t great. But the others were-“ Nicky stopped when his phone beeped. When he took a quick glance at it, Shane didn’t miss that smile. “Sorry. Boyfriend.” Nicky typed, then tucked his phone back away, a pink glow over his face. “Um. Where was I?”

“You have a boyfriend?” Shane asked.

“I do, yeah. Mark.” Nicky fiddled with his glass. “It hasn’t been too long. Like, five months, but I’m really happy. He’s a great guy.”

And when Kian asked how they had met, Nicky’s face lit up. It was precious.

“At a mate’s party. Mark was just in the corner alone with a beer. He’s not exactly the wild party type. But he caught my eye in a single second. I couldn’t look away, really, and when I finally went up to him, we somehow ended up talking for like two hours, went back to his place and had a _night_ ,” Nicky winked at them, then went back to his bashful grin, “and yeah, that was it. He made me breakfast the next morning. I didn’t leave for the whole day. It just felt right, you know?”

Shane nodded. Yeah. He knew what that felt like.

“He came at the perfect time too. I was pretty lost before I met him. Like, I used to play football – I played it all my life – but then I woke up one day and realised I didn’t want it. I didn’t want it _enough_ , at least. It wasn’t what I imagined it would be. So I gave it all up. I left my team. Came back home. Lost all my friends, basically. I had no idea what I wanted to do.”

They listened in silence minus the occasional encouraging hums, and watched as Nicky took a skull of his drink, eyes drooping. Shane hadn’t expected to get to know this side of Nicky so quickly, but he was certainly glad he got to. It felt like he’d known him for years in an odd way.

“I mean, I still kind of don’t know what I want to do, but I definitely feel better about it. Mark helped me feel better about it.” Nicky’s face lit up again. An unconscious smile decorated both of their faces. “He just said, ‘so what if you don’t know? You’re twenty. You’re allowed to not know. You’re allowed to take your time to figure things out.’ And he was right.

“You know what the funniest thing is? He’s two years younger than me.” Nicky chuckled. “He’s a bloody eighteen year-old uni student and he talks like he’s had the life experience of a fifty year-old.” Shane and Kian chuckled too. “But I love that about him. He’s smart. Mature. Kind. Supportive. I just… he makes me feel like I’m not the worst person in the world, like I can do things without being afraid.”

Shane reached out to hold Kian’s hand underneath the table and felt sunlight kiss his heart when he squeezed back.

“He sounds lovely,” Shane said. He felt like crying a little bit.

“He is. Really. Um. Anyways.” Nicky scratched the back of his head with a shy scoff. “Enough soppy things about me. Who wants more?” He shook his glass that was almost empty and Kian pulled out his wallet, saying he’d buy the next round.

Kian headed over to the bar, and Nicky shuffled closer.

“Mark really does sound great. I’m happy for you.” Shane crooned and elbowed him gently when Nicky blushed.

“Thanks. You too though, with Kian. Stand up bloke. I like him.”

“He’s the best,” Shane looked towards the bar, felt a little flutter in his heart when Kian looked back at him and flashed a smile.

“I’m glad I begged Alyssa to hire you after your trial shift.”

“You did?” Nicky nodded. “Why?”

“Look at you. You’re cute,” Nicky smirked and took a gulp of the remaining vodka in his cup. “And I don’t know. I remember, when we spent that day together, I thought ‘He seems cool. I want to be his friend someday’. And I’d still like to.”

“I think you are already.” Shane looked up to a kind smile making blue eyes dance.

Nicky raised his glass and tossed his arm around Shane’s shoulder when the glasses clinked against each other.

***

Shane threw his head back, leaning against the wall while his boyfriend was being a tease, sly fingers running along his balls, his pyjama pants hanging onto his knees. “Fuck, Kian, just… Ah.”

“You want more?” Kian growled in his ear.

“Please.” Shane swallowed hard and looked into eyes that burned holes in his soul and watered them down at the same time, that lit fires in the pit of his stomach, smoke rushing out of his mouth and making him beg. More. More. More. “Please....”

Shane could have easily brought his own hands and touch himself, given himself the pressure and pleasure he needed. But he didn’t. It wasn’t his part to play. This was Kian’s game. His hands were fisted in the blankets instead, writhing, trembling, because the fire in Kian’s eyes was too much to not play along.

“You can beg better than that,” Kian leaned in and whispered in his ear, a soft nibble on his lobe afterwards, and Shane was sure that he was going to absolutely lose it soon.

“I need it. Please, I-“

 _Ding ding_.

Shane groaned, shifted uncomfortably and frowned when Kian took his hand away. “Who the _fuck_ is that?”

Kian got up and pulled on some clothes.

“You’re leaving me like this?”

Kian laughed and pecked a quick kiss on his flushed cheeks. “That’s Bill with our mail keys. I need to get it. Put your pants back on and meet me out there.”

With Shane’s playful whine in the background, Kian chuckled as he went to open the door. He invited Bill in for a cup of tea. Shane came out too, his hair messy, and shook Bill’s hand.

“I like what you’ve done with the place. Looks neat.” Bill commented, walking around and observing. He stopped in front of picture hung up on the wall. A sun-kissed photograph Kian’s mother had taken of them - Shane kissing his cheek, Kian with the widest smile and his arm around him. Then the one hung up next to it that had been taken three seconds later, Kian’s mum yelling ‘kiss!’ and Kian rolling his eyes in embarrassment until Shane pulled him in for a quick photo.

When Kian came back to the living room with two cups of tea in his hands, Bill was looking at it, his head tilted.

“Here’s your tea.” Kian put the cups down on the table and handed Shane his.

“Wait, you…” Bill looked in between them. Shane tensed. “Are you guys… gay, or?”

“Oh, um-“

“Yeah.” Kian cut him off, his eyes already hardening defensively. “We are. Is there a problem?”

The colour of Bill’s eyes changed. The tone of his voice changed. Veins were throbbing in his neck as he straightened his spine and pointed at them with his thick fingertips. “You’re not allowed to stay here,” he gritted.

“I… Excuse me?” Shane frowned, the beat in his chest escalating too quickly, as quickly as the ambiance change in this room.

Then Bill went on. His nostrils flaring and discoloured teeth moving like a machine gun, spitting words about how he didn’t accept _people like them_ under his roof, how this was all wrong and they needed to leave.

“Are you kidding me?” Kian’s face was glowing red, fists clenched. Shane swallowed hard.

“No. Get out. I don’t need you infecting the beds and toilets.”

“Fuck you. I-“ Kian was sizing up, took a step forward, and Shane held him back. Kian wasn’t exactly famous for not having a temper. Was more famous for flinging a punch if he wanted to. Shane tightened his grip on Kian’s arms, despite the boy trying to get away. “Let me go! This is bullshit!”

“Kian, stop. You’re not helping.” Kian puffed out a shuddering breath, his arm twitching underneath Shane’s touch, and Shane was sure Kian was going to kill Bill soon. He tugged him again and tried not to give him a hug when he finally listened and stepped back. “Look, I’m sure we can work something out.”

Shane’s blood was _boiling_. But he didn’t think he could do it again. Being homeless without a single inkling of whether they were going to be safe. Living in the car. Shivering in the cold with only each other to be warmed up by. The agony of looking for a place to live and getting rejected like they were stray dogs. He could not do that again. And he couldn’t make Kian do that again. He swallowed down the fire clawing up his throat. He needed this. For Kian at least.

“Please. We’re not going to…” The fire threatened to burst again just thinking about what he had to say, what he had to beg for and to convince. With strength that he scraped up from the tips of his feet, he swallowed it back down. “To… _infect_ anything.” He felt himself physically wince when he heard his own voice saying that, felt like vomiting just to cleanse the aftertaste of that word out. And it looked like it did nothing to help.

“I want you out by tomorrow night, lads.” Bill turned on his heels. Shane grabbed his shoulder.

“No, Bill, please, we don’t have anywhere to go. We-“

“Don’t fucking _touch_ me!” Bill darted back around, backhanding Shane right across the cheek as he did, the weighted sound making the building structure crumble. Shane felt his left eye twitch right above the handprint, a trembling hand coming up to cover it. The room spun beneath his feet for two seconds.

Bill didn’t even look sorry. Looked proud of himself, if anything.

Within a flash, Kian shoved the man back.

“Egan.” Shane glared up at him.

When Bill stormed out of the place without saving a few words, Shane was still glaring at him. Not at Bill. At _him_. Kian’s chest clenched.

“What’s wrong with you?! Why the _fuck_ were you taking his side?” Kian yelled at him, piercing through the tense air.

“You think I was taking his side?! You really think that’s what I was doing?” Shane yelled back. The fire he had swallowed finally shot back up to blow through the air. “I couldn’t do it to you again, Kian! Being homeless. Starving. Fucking shivering through the night. I couldn’t put you through that again! This all happened because of _me_. I just… I couldn’t put you through it, I…”

Kian watched him in silence for a while, his heart still beating and the fire in his eyes very much alive. But then Shane broke down in tears. Those tears travelled through the air, watered down his eyes and dampened his heart, his shoulders gradually getting less tense, and when Shane was sobbing into his hands, he deflated with a painful sigh.

“I-I’m sorry. I thought you were…” Kian trailed off and shuffled closer, draped his arms around the boy, around hitching shoulders.

“I can’t do that to you,” Shane mumbled in Kian’s chest, soaking through Kian’s shirt. “I can’t…”

“It’s not your fault.”

Shane didn’t reply. The only sound there was was Shane sobbing, occasional sniffles, until they eventually died down to the pace of Kian’s hand smoothing his back. Kian pulled back to look into his eyes, all rheumy and studded with pain, and to cup a marked cheek. He didn’t think he’d ever have to see that again. His eyes became a little blurred.

“Does it hurt?” Shane nodded, his gaze fixated at his feet. “Do you want some ice?”

Shane shook his head. “I’m sorry for yelling,” he said softly instead.

“Me too.”

Kian pulled him into a hug again, taking deep breaths for himself. They stayed like that for a while in silence. In the middle of the room that they were so excited about, that meant the world. Structures where they saw themselves growing and a place to label as ‘home’ for once. A new beginning. They didn’t need to talk. The house was doing all the talking for them.

Then the house stopped talking completely. Utter silence filled their ears, utter silence telling them that this wasn’t where they belonged anymore, the entire structure turning on their heels in a single second and prancing out of the future picture they had set up in their minds.

“I guess we should… start packing.”

Shane bit down on his bottom lip and nodded.

Dundrum hadn’t been the only suburb trying to fuck them over, it turned out. The world was truly against them.


	6. Six

The past two weeks in the car had been harder than the first time. It somehow felt colder. Smaller. The ceiling lower. The backseat more cramped. Suffocating.

He’d gotten another nightmare on the first night back in the car.

Slammed against the wall. Snakes of words slithering past his ear drums and through to his guts, biting and poisoning, just as much as the belt across his thighs. A fist almost blinding him, until Shane darted up under the moonlight to Kian’s gentle touch that calmed him, to Kian’s kind voice that was the antidote. To Kian.

The following nights when he wasn’t being chased by dreamt shadows, Shane had watched the Moon gain its light in the sky through the hours, then lose it again.

Kian would always fall asleep before the clock struck midnight.

He himself couldn’t fall asleep with the life of him. He didn’t want to go through it again. Jerking awake and not being able to breathe, feeling cold sweat tear through his skin, feeling like he was strangled and beat down to the floor, until that moment he realised he was just in the car. He was just with Kian.

He couldn’t go through that again. And he wouldn’t if he didn’t close his eyes, if he didn’t fall asleep. And minus the occasional blinks he had caught, he didn’t.

He focused on Kian’s breaths instead. The soft snores.

He didn’t want to fall asleep and be consumed by darkness.

***

Shane said bye to Alyssa and turned the other way towards the park instead of the car. He traipsed underneath tall trees that he hoped would hide him for as long as needed, forever, if possible.

It all looked so peaceful here. Oceans and oceans of green swaying with the command of the soft breeze, children playing amongst each other, their laughter echoing through the whole park, people strolling hand in hand, smiles not knowing to leave all the other faces in the world except for his.

He settled himself down on a park bench, leaning back and looking up at the sky with the disruptions of leaves blocking a clear blue view. He stared up for a while regardless, tracing clouds.

He remembered doing this with Kian when they were young. Eleven, twelve at the most. A competition of who could find the most animal shapes, the loser having to pay for both their milkshakes afterwards. Kian would always win. Or Shane would always let him win.

He dared to let himself show the same clouds years later a smile.

He wanted to stay here. Forever, if possible. He didn’t want to go back to the car. Go back to the cramped space that told him this was all a failure. That every step he took from the moment he left home was destined for a downhill road. That the boy he loved and would die for was crawling on this road with him, for him, because of him.

He fished out his phone and typed a text to Kian.

**Being held back at work for a bit. Sorry.**

He hit send before putting it back in his pocket and looking up again.

There was a horse in the clouds. A rabbit over there. A pig’s face.

***

“I’m running out of resumes to hand out,” Kian sighed and flipped through the small pile. Three sheets left. He didn’t want to dig into Shane’s pay to print more, even if it didn’t take much.

“Didn’t get a call back from that café?”

“Which one?” Kian scoffed solemnly and plonked his head back on the headrest, closing his eyes. Shane felt sorry for him. It had been at least a month since Kian went around town looking for a job. At least a month since Kian was waiting at home, staring at a phone that just wouldn’t ring. Home probably wasn’t the adequate word, actually. Not anymore, at least.

“I’m sorry,” Shane murmured.

Kian shook his head. “Maybe there’s something wrong with me.”

“Babe, I’m sure it’s not you. Who _wouldn’t_ want you? You’re amazing.”

“I went for like a thousand interviews. Urgh.” Kian swung his forearm around to cover his face with it. “The whole town’s probably sick of my face.”

Shane didn’t know what to say. Felt like he had nothing to offer. “Maybe I can get Nicky fired and you can take his place.” That got a small chuckle at least.

“You gonna frame him for me?” Kian put his arm down with a little cheeky sparkle returning to sloped eyes.

“I’d kill him for you if I had to,” he laughed when Kian playfully flicked his forehead with a tsk. “Really, love, you’re gonna find something. And if you don’t, it’s okay. I can just pick up more shifts. I’m fine with that.”

Kian looked up at him with apologetic puppy eyes, and Shane couldn’t do much except comfort him with a hug.

***

“Well, you look like shite” was the first thing Nicky had said when Shane went in for his shift.

“How sweet of you,” Shane scribbled on the timesheet and plonked down on his seat behind the counter.

“Is everything alright?”

“Grand,” Shane tried to look distracted, cleaning the countertop, but he felt Nicky’s eyes on him. Wished a customer would come in and take them away, but of course, the world didn’t work in his favour. It never did. “Stop looking at me, man.”

“Then tell me what happened.”

Shane sighed. “A little stressed, that’s all.”

“About what? Maybe I can help.”

Yeah. He didn’t think so, unless Nicky could put a brand new house out of his arse. Not even a brand new one. Just a shitty old single room would do. “It’s just been a tough couple weeks. Kian can’t find a job so he’s beat about that. We um,” Shane scrubbed his face and looked up into eyes that were waiting for him to talk more, that were like welcoming open gates. “We… yeah. Our landlord kicked us out a couple weeks ago.”

Nicky gasped. “You didn’t tell me this. Why’d he kick you out?”

“’Cause we’re gay.” Shane swallowed a lump in his throat. Felt a bucket of water behind his eyes threaten to wash him out. “He said we’d _infect_ the place.”

Nicky didn’t think his eyes could go wider. They could, apparently. He perked up in his seat, ears feeling hot. “That’s bullshit! Who the fuck does that these days? Are you kidding me?”

“I wish I was.” Shane scoffed, venom inking his tongue. He wished he hadn’t kept it so together. He wished he’d just let Kian punch the man. He couldn’t save them from the streets either way – at least a punch would have been refreshing.

“God, I… I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.” Nicky sighed and squeezed his shoulder. “Where have you been staying for the past few weeks then? Did you find another place?”

“Not yet. We’re just um,” Shane didn’t want to tell him that they were living in the car. Nicky was a new friend. It was humiliating to his bones. He shrugged it off. “Just around. We’re fine.”

“You don’t look it.” Nicky’s eyebrows knitted in, sceptical. “Do you need a place to crash? You can stay at mine for a bit if you need it.”

“Oh, no, we’re okay. Thanks though.”

“Where are you staying then?” Nicky’s gaze looked challenging almost.

Shane couldn’t look away, like he was under hypnosis. He stuttered for a bit. “I… Our car, it’s-“

“Your _car_?” Nicky shrieked. “That’s it. You’re staying at mine.”

“No, Nick-“

“Seriously. I’ll drag you in if I have to.”

Shane looked up at him. Hesitated, his lips opening then closing like they were stopping him.

So Nicky did have tricks up his ass.

He felt smaller than an atom. Hanging onto the speck of pride he had left, he thought maybe not. But an actual house sounded nice, not just a shitty old single room or a fucking _car_. Sounded like life; something that they didn’t have for a while. And he wanted to give Kian a bed at least. It felt like Kian’s puppy eyes were tugging at his heartstrings, dismantling that speck he was holding onto. He let go eventually. He had to.

“I… Are you sure?”

Nicky nodded quickly. “Definitely, yeah. I have a spare room. I can’t let you two live in a bloody car. You should have asked me sooner.”

There was a lump in his throat again. He wondered if a time will come where he wouldn’t want to cry every five seconds. Shane felt his shoulders relax as he voiced a “thank you”, 

***

“Is that it?” Nicky looked at the two bags they had with them.

“Yeah, um,” Shane scratched the back of his head. God, he felt small. “We didn’t bring a lot of things.”

“Clearly,” Nicky chuckled. “Alright well, you can take the room to the left just there.” He pointed. “Stay as long as you need. Honest.”

“I don’t know how to thank you,” Kian said.

“You don’t have to. I live alone anyways. It’s nice to have company.”

They got settled in, unpacked the little amount of belongings they had, thanked Nicky a million times more. Then Nicky headed out for dinner with Mark.

To say Kian was looking forward to this was an understatement. A nice house to themselves after spending a nightmare of a few weeks in the cramped vehicle, just being able to utilise space and enjoy it with Shane, even just to cuddle on a proper comfortable bed without the worry of falling off.

And it was almost literally heaven.

Shane’s head was resting on Kian’s shoulder, his arm coming around his waist, breaths slower than ever, both of them buried under fluffy blankets that felt like the ninth cloud.

Kian played with dark brown hair just beneath his chin, fingers twirling in the soft bush. “We should probably pay Nicky at least a little bit of rent while we stay.”

Shane hummed in agreement.

“I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

Shane just hummed again. Kian looked down at him.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah. I think I’m just tired. It’s been a long day.” Shane snuggled up closer. Kian hummed close to his ear and continued to glide his fingers through his hair, soft and slow motions like beach waves.

It was soothing. He closed his eyes, breathing to the rhythm of Kian’s tender touch, and he didn’t really want to open them. Suddenly felt like closing his eyes would be better than anything; than having to get up and talk to someone, or go to work, or do normal things. He didn’t want to do any of that. He wanted to be asleep.

Kian leaned in for a kiss.

He wanted to be asleep, but okay, this was nice too.

Lips caressed his ever so softly, a palm settling on his nape. Shane placed his hand on Kian’s waist, felt it inflate with every breath Kian sucked in. He moaned against the delicious constricts of Kian’s mouth, and when Kian moaned back, he thought he could do this forever. Sleep didn’t matter. He would be happy here, kissing for ages and being in the safest arms.

Then Kian put his hands down Shane’s sweatpants. Shane jolted at the touch, an uncomfortable tug at his stomach. He pulled back from the kiss. “Wait, Kian…”

“I missed this,” Kian moved to kiss Shane’s neck, fingers rolling faster, and Shane’s chest clenched a little.

“Ki, stop.” He grabbed at Kian’s wrist just above his waistline. “Please.”

Kian yanked his hand out with a frustrated groan. The bed creaked too loud when Kian plonked back onto his side. Shane chewed on his lips and fixed his pants to sit up awkwardly in the silence – just Kian breathing and Shane holding his.

“Sorry.” Shane murmured and looked down at his lap.

Kian shook his head and scrubbed his face for a few seconds. He lifted his head with a sigh. “No, I am. I... I didn’t mean to push or anything. Sorry.” He still looked disappointed, and Shane couldn’t pinpoint how bad he felt.

“You didn’t,” Shane opened his arms, “come here.”

Kian shuffled closer without really looking into his eyes and settled into a hug, relaxing more when Shane pulled the blankets up to warm them, to consume them in a bubble like this silence that came again did. Shane pressed a kiss into a flowerbed of blonde hair, tightened his arms and somehow hoped that Kian’ couldn’t hear the fast, guilty beat of his heart.

“I just… wasn’t in the mood.” He spoke after a few minutes.

“You don’t have to explain yourself.” Kian sounded calm again.

Shane nodded. “Do you want to cuddle instead?”

Kian said that he did and they both lied down, closing their eyes and allowing the silence to settle. A chance to console themselves with the breaths of the other, the scent of the other, the arms of the other.

Silence found them again for a long time. Shane hoped Kian couldn’t hear the uncomfortable irregular thumps in his chest.

“Are you asleep?” Kian asked.

Shane stayed silent. Felt Kian considerately stay still to not wake him up.

Shane had a lump in his throat as he tried to keep his breaths even.

***

Nicky had handed them all a beer after dinner, just chilling in the living room with the TV on. They were talking through all of it, laughing at nothing, and then laughing at laughing.

Shane had lied down with his head on Kian’s lap halfway through, Nicky sneaking a smile at the sight when Shane fell asleep.

“Thanks again, by the way, for letting us stay here. I promise we’ll leave as soon as we can.”

“No rush. I actually like having you guys around. It feels less lonely.”

“Don’t you have a boyfriend?”

“Mark’s got exams. I haven’t seen him in like two weeks. This is what I get for dating a uni student,” Nicky laughed, then cocked his head towards Shane. “You’re lucky you have him around 24/7. Must be nice.”

Kian bit down on a bashful smile and looked down at the boy on his lap. Yeah. He was lucky.

“You guys used to Dublin yet?”

“For the most part. I still haven’t found a job yet. These things take time.” Nicky nodded with an agreeing hum. “It’s certainly better than Sligo though, so I’m glad.”

“Right, yeah.” Nicky looked at the TV screen for a bit, contemplating. “I don’t know if this is okay to ask but how um… how bad was it? Home?”

Kian chewed on his lip for a bit, tracing the lines and curves of Shane’s face with his eyes, of a precious soul beneath it that he felt like only he could see the details of. “Shane’s dad was…” Kian sighed. He couldn’t even think of ways to describe Shane’s dad. “He beat Shane a lot. And I mean a lot.”

Nicky winced and gasped softly. Put the TV volume down even further and turned back to face Kian properly, waiting for Kian to talk at his own pace. Felt like the air wouldn’t hold the capacity for him to talk.

“That’s why we ran away. I couldn’t let him stay there, you know? No one should have to live with that.”

“God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” Nicky wanted to ask questions. He didn’t know what would be appropriate. “How about his mum?”

Kian shook his head, looked down at his boyfriend’s peaceful sleeping face and stroked away hair from it. “She uh… she died when Shane was ten. Car accident.”

“Fuck…” Nicky breathed. An impossible weight settled on his shoulder, and he wanted to cry just watching Shane sleep. This shit only happened in movies. Not to kind boys like Shane, to people that he grew to be fond of. “That’s insane.”

“Yeah. His dad wasn’t that bad until she died. Like, he still beat them both sometimes and it was still fucked up, but when she passed, his dad just couldn’t… handle it. At all. So he took it out on Shane. For ten years.” Kian felt a silent tear stream down his cheek. “He had to endure all of that for ten years by himself. And he always managed to get back up. I don’t know a single person that’s stronger than him. Not a single one.”

Nicky covered his mouth with his hand. He didn’t know what to say. Or to think.

“I remember this one time, he was fifteen, and he called me late at night just _bawling_ on the phone. I’ll never forget it. He sounded so scared, he… he said ‘I think my arm’s broken. I can’t move my arm, Kian.’” He heard Nicky suck in shivering air. Kian wiped his face, only for it to be wet again a second later. “I was fourteen, you know? I didn’t know what the fuck I had to do. So I woke my dad up and begged him to come take Shane to the hospital. Turned out he really had broken his arm. His dad didn’t care at all.”

“Jesus, that’s…” Nicky’s voice was trembling.

“Yeah,” Kian huffed out a shuddering breath and stroked the side of his boyfriend’s face. “But he’s still the kindest, most incredible person. He has so much love in his heart. After everything he had to go through all his life, he has _so_ much to give. That’s so amazing to me.”

“He’s a good kid.” Nicky got up to sit beside Kian, to put an arm around his shoulder. “I had no idea there was all of… _that_ behind it. He just told me he had problems back home and he had to move, I didn’t know it was…” Nicky trailed off into a sigh, his eyebrows twisting in as much as the mess in his mind. “And you too. It would have been insane for you to go through it with him.”

“It’s nothing compared to what he went through.” Kian shook his head. “I’m alright.”

“It’s okay if you’re not, you know. What you went through was hard too.” Nicky let his hand trail up and down Kian’s arm. Kian just shrugged and looked back at Shane. Nicky looked too. Felt like he could see the bruises from Shane’s first day all over again. He held back a shudder. “How’s he doing now? Better?”

“He keeps saying he’s okay, but I…” Kian sighed through an unstable breath. Nicky watched in concern. “I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain it, he’s… different.”

“Different how?”

“A little more quiet, I guess. A little distant. More tired.” Kian let his knuckle travel down the side of Shane’s face one more time. “But you know, it’s been hard lately. So I understand.”

Nicky nodded. “Look, I don’t know how I can help, but if there is anything, ever, let me know, yeah?”

“Thank you.”

He hoped Kian didn’t think he was just trying to be nice. He meant it. Anything. Ever. He wanted to offer everything. Somehow had a profound feeling that Shane and Kian would stick around in his life for a really long time.

He was happy with that.


	7. Seven

Shane had woken up to an empty bed and the sound of laughter coming from the living room.

Nicky’s. Then Kian’s. And an unfamiliar voice too, a little deeper.

Shane didn’t move. Didn’t want to move, suddenly. Not a single tissue of muscle. He buried himself under the blanket instead, from the tips of his toes to the tips of his hair, consumed and curled up in himself, eyes slowly blinking and trying to zone out.

 _“Mark, you idiot!”_ He heard Nicky playfully shriek, then the unfamiliar voice laughed.

Mark. Shane had never actually met Mark before. Only through stories Nicky had told since they got to know each other. He should probably have gotten up and said hi. He didn’t want to. He curled up even more, his knees pressed against his uncomfortable chest.

It felt like the weight of the Moon was on his chest. The entirety of it solely resting on his small body, asking it to light up the sky that he didn’t think he’d ever have the power to. He didn’t think he could physically move. He blinked again. It took effort.

“No, he’s still asleep.” Kian. His voice came from two metres away at the most, just from the doorway. Shane tensed. Closed his eyes like a reflex, pretending. “Shane?” Kian spoke softly, his voice right above him, a finger poking him through the blanket.

Shane swallowed hard. Stayed as still as he could.

“Are you sleeping? It’s almost one o’clock.” Kian spoke a little louder, rocking him.

Jesus, was it one already? Shane slid open his eyelids despite the fight they were putting up against him. He was being ridiculous. Swallowing a sigh, he pulled the blankets down, squinting as if he just woke up. “Hey,” he croaked.

“Hi.” Kian smiled at him. A warm, comforting, wide grin that shined down on him, and Shane felt stupid for wanting to cry a little. “It’s one in the afternoon, d’you know that?”

“It’s Saturday. Who cares.” Kian chuckled at him, and Shane did too without a conscious order. “Come lie down with me.”

“Nicky’s boyfriend’s here though. You should go say hi. And then I’ll lie down with you.”

Shane groaned and sat up against the ropes trying to pull him back down. “What’s he like?”

“He’s really sweet. A little shy and quiet, but Nicky’s loud for him so it’s fine. Perfect match, them two.” Kian laughed again. If that wasn’t the most comforting sound, the blade to cut the ropes, Shane didn’t know what was. “Now come on. Get up. Go meet the lad.”

Shane nodded and scrubbed his face. “I’ll be out in a sec.”

“Alright, don’t be long.” Kian kissed the top of his head and walked back out to the living room.

Shane sat in silence for a minute, tempted to give in to the devil’s whispers to reattach those ropes. Tempted to crawl back underneath the blanket and breathe by himself for a minute or two or fifty. But no. He scrubbed his face again and swung his legs to the side of the bed, stepping on the ground that felt a little cold on his bare feet.

“So Filan lives! I thought you were dead.” Nicky projected to the most sensitive nerve in his brain, hit it like a hammer to his temple, but Shane just laughed. Went to introduce himself to Mark and shake his hand.

***

Nicky was sat in Mark’s lap, yawning through the Saturday sunset with shitty TV movies that were on repeat. Shane sat down beside Kian with a cup of tea he’d made, earned a kiss on the cheek as a thank you.

“God, Christmas came really quickly this year. It’s so soon.” Nicky commented at the advert that had popped up on the screen with Santa’s big jolly face, then looked at Shane and Kian. “What are you two doing for Christmas? I’ll be gone for about two weeks. Staying over at my folks from this weekend.”

Shane just shrugged as if his eyes were glued to the TV. Kian answered for him instead.

“Not sure yet. We haven’t figured it out.” Kian noticed Nicky giving Shane a strange look.

They watched TV for a little longer before Shane went to the bedroom first, saying he was tired. It was barely seven in the evening. Nicky asked if he was alright.

“He’s okay,” Kian sipped on his tea. “He doesn’t like Christmas much.”

“Who doesn’t like _Christmas_?” Mark asked.

“Shane, by the looks of it.” Nicky looked at Kian apologetically. “Is it because of… you know.”

Kian nodded, his eyes fluttering towards the door that Shane shut and hid behind. “Don’t worry. He’ll be alright.” He tore his gaze away. “We’ll probably just stay here for Christmas. Is that alright? I don’t want to leave him by himself.”

“Yeah, of course.”

***

**Went out early in the morning. Enjoy the free house and I’ll see you lads in a couple weeks!  
Happy holidays! xx**

**– Nico**

Kian smirked at the note stuck to the fridge and got himself a cup of water when he heard Shane laugh from the living room. It wasn’t a sound he heard as often as he would have liked. And he didn’t know what he could do to heard that sound as often as he would have liked. He took a quick gulp of the cold water and hurried into the living room. He wouldn’t have missed this for the world, whatever this was.

“What’s so funny?”

“There’s a cute dog doing tricks.” Shane pointed at the TV, bemused, and Kian chuckled as he cuddled up close to the boy. “Do you want to get a dog? It looks like fun.”

“Do you think we can handle it? I can barely take care of _you_.”

“Fuck off. I don’t need taking care of,” Shane pushed him playfully, and Kian laughed again, jumping on top of him.

“You kind of do.”

“I’m older than you.” Shane was staring with a smirk. Kian swallowed hard.

“Well, you-“

He was cut off by a kiss. Maybe the best kiss they’d had in a while. Desperation and passion oozing out with every breath they shared together. Sudden - nothing that Kian had expected while watching dumb dog shows, like there had been a random surge in Shane’s blood that Kian couldn’t understand, but Shane certainly seemed happy. He wasn’t going to say no. Kian slid his hand along Shane’s arm and coiling his fingers around a wrist that he had pinned down.

Then Shane’s other hand found its way down his pants, and Kian had to break the kiss for a bit.

“Sh-Shane, are you sure?” The last time they tried this, Shane told him to stop. Kian sure if this was okay. “You don’t have to-“

“Shut up,” Shane breathed and went down on the floor on his knees as he pulled down Kian’s pants, his fingers stroking up on Kian’s cock that was getting harder with every second, asking, praying, begging for more. “Unless you don’t want it.”

Shane took his hands away for a moment, waiting for an answer so kindly, and, fuck, Kian didn’t think it was possible to be more in love with him.

Kian shook his head and tried to speak through his breath that was getting heavier. “I want it.”

He saw Shane lick his lips with a smirk.

***

Kian woke up to a cold breeze blowing through the room. For Christ’s sake, it was December. Who the fuck left the window ope-

“Shane?”

Shane didn’t look back at him. He stood by the window, leaned over the frame and looked outside, watching the snow decorate the scene.

Kian wrapped himself with the blankets and got up to stand next to the boy in nowhere near enough clothing. “You’re going to freeze yourself to death,”

“Thanks,” Shane mumbled when Kian wrapped him in too. “Hey, merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” Kian kissed his cheek.

Shane didn’t exactly look merry, but he got it. Christmas wasn’t the easiest day for him.

Kian loved it though. His family had always celebrated it. Not that they could afford a big tree and sparkly decorations and an expensive dinner, but it had always been nice. The first thing they did every year was rush down to the boxes of presents piled up in the corner of their living room – a bright morning of opening blessings and sharing hugs and kisses.

Then Kian had always met Shane for a Christmas lunch, even just to bring him out of the house for a bit. Then he would invite him to Christmas dinner. Shane’s father was far from the person who would celebrate Christmas with his son. So Kian had always invited him to theirs. Always. And Shane had always politely refused, saying he didn’t want to intrude. It was never considered intruding. But Shane had refused and gone home, spending the festivity alone since his mother passed away while carollers were rolling down the streets spreading the holiday spirit that Shane probably despised.

Kian realised this was the first time he hadn’t spent Christmas at home. And Shane’s first time in ten years not spending it alone.

“Pretty,” Kian said, looking at the snow.

“Very. Wanna go out later? We can go for a walk.”

“That sounds lovely.”

Shane hummed, then sighed, arching towards Kian and leaning his head down on his shoulder. “Am I supposed to like Christmas now? I’m not home anymore. Should I be celebrating and… I don’t know. People are supposed to love Christmas.”

“You’re not supposed to be anything. You can feel however you like. It’s okay.”

Shane stared out the window in silence for a while. Kian waited and made sure the blanket was secured around the both of them. “I used to love Christmas.”

“With your mam?” Shane nodded, and Kian could see tentative lips curve up. It was nice.

“She loved Christmas. She would wake me up early before dad got up. A gentle shake. Whispering. ‘It’s Christmas morning, darling,’ she’d say. And she would make me a hot chocolate too.”

“With the little marshmallows?”

“With the little marshmallows.” Shane repeated and snuggled up to Kian closer. Shane told this story every year. Kian let him tell it regardless. He loved hearing it. It never failed to make him smile. What was Christmas without heart-warming traditions? “Then we’d sit on my bed together, just us two, watch the snow outside the window and make Christmas wishes. Talk about what we wanted the new year to look like. You know what she always wished for?”

Kian knew. “What?”, he asked anyway.

“That next year, we would be a little happier. That our lives would be a little bit more beautiful and pure and peaceful like the snow falling out there. Every Christmas, she wished that.”

Kian hugged Shane tighter when he heard his voice thicken.

“I guess she never really got her wish, did she?”

“Of course she did. I’m sure she was happy with you.” Kian planted a kiss into a Shane’s messy hair. “What else did you guys do on Christmas?”

“I remember we built a snowman one year. Think I was about five or six. That was nice.” Shane smiled. Half of it flickered away with the next thought. “Dad kicked it down when he woke up. Said I was too old for things like that. But still, it was nice building it with her.”

So trying to remind him of good memories wasn’t working. “Remember when your mam took us both out one year and bought us matching gladiator swords?”

“Yeah. We got in trouble for breaking a vase at your house.” Shane chuckled, then looked up at him. “You know, you can go home today if you want to. You guys always celebrated Christmas. I don’t want you to stay just because of me.”

Kian almost jumped to pack his bags. He swallowed down the urge. “Do you want to come with me? We can sleep in my old room.”

Shane looked back out the window. “I’m okay here.”

“It could be good. For both of us.”

“I’m not going to Sligo, Kian.” Shane’s voice hardened a little.

“Then I’m staying here with you.”

“But your parents…”

“Will be fine. I’ll give them a call soon.”

Shane hesitated. His lips wriggled and twisted. “Are you sure? I feel bad.”

“I’m sure,” Kian kissed a cold cheek.

They stayed like that for a while in silence, looking out at snowflakes adorning the sky, until Shane went a little limp in Kian’s arms.

“I’m tired,” he murmured, “I might go back to sleep.”

Kian went back to bed too to join him.

***

Kian glanced at the clock when he woke up again. 10:42 AM. He let out a quick yawn, a stretch, and rolled to his side. Shane was still asleep. If Shane could look this peaceful all the time, Kian didn’t think he would have another wish for the rest of his life.

He stroked away distracting hair and kissed Shane’s forehead, hoping he had blown a little happiness into Shane’s morning dream, and yawned his way to the kitchen.

He put the kettle on and fished out his phone to call his parents. It was still weird not being home for Christmas. And it made him nervous to talk to his parents for some reason. Just the weirdness of it all, maybe. Guilt.

He took a deep breath, smiled when they answered on speakerphone.

“Merry Christmas, Kian!” They both said as if they’d rehearsed it and had waited all morning for Kian to call. That made him feel even worse.

“Merry Christmas, you guys,” Kian chuckled and said back. There was a small lump in his throat that he was going to ignore for the moment.

“This holiday feels so weird without you, love.”

He wanted to say ‘it feels without you too’ without breaking their hearts somehow. Or his own. He just laughed it off. He forgot how much he missed them, not with most of his time being spent on worrying about Shane, measuring Shane’s mood every day, trying to figure out if there was anything he could do for him.

When they ran away, Kian expected Shane to be a lot happier. To enjoy life so much more now that they were away from it all. Shane wasn’t though. Shane would spend half the day zoned out, a light gone out in the centre of his pupils, and just sit there like every day was all that but arduous time that he had to endure until he reached the end and could sink into sleep. And Kian didn’t know what he had to do to make things better. Maybe there wasn’t much he could do. Maybe this was Shane’s own battle that he had to fight tooth and nail for happiness.

As his dad told him stories to catch up on the very little drama back home, he ripped open two packets of hot chocolate and poured it into two mugs with the hot water. Then his mum told some stories that he laughed along to until he said he should probably get back to Shane.

“Alright. Call me later, okay? And get Shane on the phone too next time!”

He promised that he would and hung up.

Two seconds later, he missed their voices again.

With a sigh, he looked around the empty house, then at the two hot chocolates that he’d made. Wished he could look into his heart that felt empty with this silence that swept him up from his feet.

His grip tightened on his phone with a slight tremble.

He cried by himself for a bit.

***

“What’s this?” Shane murmured. Kian had shaken him awake, looking bright in the sunlight.

“It’s Christmas morning, darling.” Kian smiled and handed it over when Shane sat up, eyes half-closed and hair an absolute mess. He smirked.

“Is this hot chocolate?” Shane looked into the mug. He felt his eyes open in an instant, heart stirring. The sweet smell and comforting steam made his eyes brim with tears. It was just like old times. A hot chocolate on Christmas morning and being woken up to a kind face. “Kian, I…” he croaked with a grin, “Thank you. This is really nice of you.”

“Nicky didn’t have any marshmallows.”

“It’s still perfect.”

Kian smiled and lifted his own mug. “Cheers to a happier Christmas and a little bit more beautiful and pure and peaceful new year?”

“Cheers.” The mugs clinked with a clear satisfying sound.

Shane took a sip and reached out to hold Kian’s hand. He saw Kian smile wider, and that was warmer than the chocolate sweetening his blood. With a smile back, Shane shifted his gaze to the window again and traced his mum’s face in the Winter white, hoping she was happier, hoping she was proud of him, hoping her mug was in the mix too.


	8. Eight

**Good luck babe!! You can do it! Got a good feeling about this one xx**

Kian smiled at Shane’s text, read over it way too many times before he took a deep breath. He looked up at the store sign. _Haru,_ then underneath proudly written _Baldoyle’s finest Korean cuisine_. Kian had called them yesterday, promised an interview with a man named Minjae. He’d sounded lovely on the phone. There had been some hesitation carrying through. Anxiety. ‘If you don’t want to, there’s no rush,’ Shane had tried to comfort him, but it had been a few months since they moved out here, and Kian didn’t want Shane to feel like it was all on him.

Shane didn’t seem to mind though. In a way, he seemed glad, like he could finally give something back, like for once, Kian could be the one to depend on him. He kept telling him that he could get a job later, that he could take his time looking for the right one, which was nice of him, but it would be nicer to afford more things. Like that extra block of chocolate Shane always ogled at but could never get. An actual meal that Kian could cook instead of cheap microwavable meals that were half off because the ‘best before’ date was approaching.

They also still had to look for a place. They couldn’t mooch off of Nicky forever, no matter how many times Nicky tried to tell them that it was fine.

Then he’d seen an ad in the papers that caught his attention. _Kitchen hand. No experience required._

“I told you you’d be great in a kitchen,” Shane had said. “It’s pretty close from here too. This might be perfect for you.”

Kian read over Shane’s text once more and went inside. It was nice inside. Nice and slick with red and black walls. He walked up to the counter.

“Hi, I’m looking for Minjae? I have an interview for the kitchen hand job.”

“Ah, Kian, yes?” The man smiled at him. Tall and skinny and dark brown eyes looking bright as he reached out for a handshake. “I’m Minjae. It’s nice to meet you.”

***

The alarm screeched. Kian wanted to throw it across the room. But he had a job now. A real job. The first week, Kian fell in love with the kitchen. Food was no longer just food. “Food is a moment in people’s lives. It’s a memory,” Minjae had said on his first day. “I want to gift people that memory. That’s why I put my all into this.”

The second week, Kian realised he wanted to do that. Not just a childhood plaything like they used to when they were eight. A little spark that was lit in his eyes told him he could do it properly, that he wanted this. That he was good at it too, if Minjae’s proud smiles and nods meant anything.

That little spark told him to get up. He allowed himself a quick stretch, turned the alarm off, and swung his legs to the side of the bed.

“Morning.”

Kian jolted and looked back. Raised an eyebrow at Shane who was watching him.

“Oh. Morning. Why are you up already? It’s half six.”

Shane shrugged. “Couldn’t sleep.” He looked like he could collapse soon, eyes heavy and half-closed, and Kian climbed back into the bed.

“Have you been up all night?” Kian asked in concern, fingers running through crunchy brown hair.

“No, I slept a little bit.” Shane shuffled closer and buried his face in Kian’s shoulder. Kian hugged him. “When do you need to leave for work?”

“Pretty soon.”

“Can you stay five more minutes?” Shane brought his arms around Kian’s waist, clinging on, and Kian felt his chest ache a little.

“Yeah,” he kissed his ear, “five more minutes.”

Kian stayed like that for more than five minutes, until Shane fell back to sleep.

***

“Haru,” Shane read the sign.

“Is this where he works?” Mark asked, his hand held tight in Nicky’s.

Shane nodded and led them in.

He had wanted to surprise Kian. To do something nice for Kian. He wasn’t exactly the easiest to be around recently – he knew that. He had heard Nicky ask Kian “Is Shane okay these days?” just before he stepped out of the bedroom after the third nap that day. He stopped behind the door. Leaned in to listen.

“He’s… he’s getting worse,” Kian had replied, pain in his low voice. “It’s like there’s something dragging him down all the time and just... I don’t know what I have to do.” Then they’d talked some more. About how he didn’t have energy for much. How he was sleeping more and more, then some nights way too less. How depressed he looked. How maybe it was because of trauma stalking him. Poor Shane. Poor Shane indeed.

And Shane’s heart broke when Kian started to sob softly.

So he tried to smile today. For Kian, he tried to smile with all his might that he could scrape together.

He could see the boy through the glass window separating the seating area to the kitchen. And fuck, he was proud. Kian looked adorable. A black kitchen skull cap resting on his head, strands of Sun blonde escaping, just above eyes that were focusing on the chopping board so hard, a little tongue sticking out. Shane smirked to himself.

They sat down at an empty table and a man brought them their menus. Said his name was Minjae and to call him over when they were ready to order. Shane recognised that name. Remembered Kian talking about him with a light in his eyes.

“Sorry um,” Shane called just as Minjae was about to turn around. “Is it possible to see Kian for a bit?”

Minjae told them to wait a minute and moved to the other side of the glass window, called Kian then pointed towards their table. Kian’s face lit up straight away through the glass. A bemused grin twisted across his face as he basically ran out of the kitchen like an excited puppy.

“Hiya,” Shane waved.

“Hey! What are you guys doing here?” Kian laughed, baffled, and pulled Shane into a quick hug, waved at Nicky and Mark over his shoulder.

“Surprise,” Shane kissed him on the cheek. Shane looked happy tonight. God, Kian wanted to kiss him properly if Minjae wasn’t watching. “Thought I’d come see the best chef for meself.”

“Fuck, I thought I was seeing things for a second.” It was weird. He saw Shane every day. Lived with him. Yet he somehow still managed to make Kian’s heart flutter like it was the first time. “What do you guys want to eat? I’ll put extra extra thought into it.”

Minjae jotted the order down on a notepad and headed back into the kitchen together with Kian.

“Is the little one your boyfriend?” Minjae asked as if it was the most obvious thing.

Kian almost laughed. The little one. He looked over at their table. “Yeah,” Kian smiled at the sight of the cute little one laughing. “That’s him.”

***

Minjae had said the meals were on the house. Shane had said no, no no no it’s fine, no, please, but he had insisted.

Dinner was… actually nice. Really nice. Shane couldn’t remember the last time he’d been completely free from the usual chain of thought and instead, laughing at Nicky’s stupid jokes. And when it got a bit more difficult to smile, he would look up through the glass window at Kian and gather up the strength again. Kian would occasionally look over too and match eyes with him, a heavenly smile and a cheeky wink that made Shane blush a little.

And when they’d come home, Shane gently pushed Kian on the bed, started kissing his neck, a grind over constricting trousers. Kian moaned and slid his hands down a smooth curved back.

“Are you sure?” Kian asked. It had been at least a month and a half since they’d had sex. Just before Christmas, and now it was approaching the end of February, snow long gone melted and replaced by spots of sunshine and daffodils instead. Shane hadn’t really seemed to be in the mood for sex. Which was fine. Kian was happy to wait. But there seemed to be a hidden bulb turned on in Shane’s mind today, and Kian wasn’t going to waste this light.

“Yeah, only if you want to.” The kisses didn’t stop. The grinding didn’t stop. _Fuck_ , of course he wanted to.

His lips a boat floating on the waves of Kian’s body, Shane slowly sailed down, past perky nipples, a tense jolting stomach, and pulled down Kian’s black work pants. He put his lips over the soft cotton of Kian’s boxer briefs.

“Oh fuck…” Kian moaned and threw his head back, fisted the blankets when his underwear slid down and was tossed on the floor. Sharply gasped when Shane’s mouth came back, licking up a hardened length.

“Tell me what you want,” Shane crooned, his breath way too close to the most sensitive skin. “I’ll do anything tonight.”

“Anything, huh?” Kian whispered, not moving a single inch of his gaze from the perfect face staring up at him and nodding. “Roll around for me.”

Shane did exactly that, clapping his hands on top of each other and resting his cheek on it. Arched his back when Kian peeled his jeans off and squeezed his cheeks.

“Fuck, you’re pretty,” a kiss landed on each cheek, then travelled up his spine, his nape, his shoulder-blades. Each little kiss was soothing. So gentle. So Kian. “There’s something I’ve always wanted to try, but if it’s weird, tell me to stop, yeah? I won’t be offended.”

“Okay.” Shane wriggled to a more comfortable position and prepared himself. Not efficiently enough, apparently. He didn’t know what to prepare for. Wanted to ask but that would take the fun away from Kian’s voice. Kian spread his cheeks apart, and, oh.

Oh.

_Oh._

He really wasn’t prepared for Kian to run his tongue along his crack. Floating over his hole like a boat on twilight waves. Then another lick that streamed an involuntary moan out of his mouth. And another. Another. But Kian pushing past his entrance, feeling that gorgeous tongue taste a part of him that Kian had never before, he was leaking onto the bedsheets.

“Is that okay?” Kian asked, lifting his head for a second and leaving Shane’s slit so wet.

“Don’t stop,” Shane panted into his hands, and he could almost see Kian smirk before he went back down there.

The way Kian’s tongue curled inside him, stretching him ever so gently but surely, Shane shuddered. How they’d never thought to try this before, Shane didn’t know. All he knew was that his mind was slipping away with every divine lick, and there really wasn’t anything else he needed in the world than this boy.

When Kian pushed a finger in as well, fuck, that was it. “I need to come.”

“Think you can hold it for just a little longer?” The huskiness in Kian’s voice gathered his mind back together as he nodded. He could do that. He _did_ say he’d do anything tonight.

Kian rolled on a condom and lube, and flipped Shane over onto his back. Shane gasped as the strength and fell into an aroused smile. Kian was never hotter smirking at him like he was now.

So easily, Kian pushed in, and it didn’t take them long to reach the peak of euphoria between the rhythmic thrusts, hitting the right places, the rough kissing, the moans being whispered to each other’s hearts. Shane really couldn’t hold it any longer.

He came over Kian’s stomach, sticky liquid dripping onto his own. “Come in me,” Shane groaned.

For a flash, he saw something in Kian’s eyes that he hadn’t seen in so long. Something so primitive and desirable that set a fire in his soul, and when he clenched around the cock still slamming in him, Kian pushed in one last time, cursing underneath his breath as he released.

Electrical tingles still in the tips of their fingers, they plonked down on the bed beside each other and waited a little bit to catch their breaths.

“The rimming wasn’t weird, right?” Kian turned on his side. Shane did too.

“If you don’t do that to me more often, I might kill you.”

Kian chuckled as he swiped sweat from his forehead. “Fuck, we haven’t gone at it like that in so long, have we?”

Shane shook his head before he brushed a soft kiss against Kian’s lips. “I missed it. I’d forgotten what it felt like, seeing you like that,” Shane admitted, a bittersweet swirl in his chest. “And for me to feel like that. I really missed feeling like that with you.”

“Me too, love,” Kian trailed his finger down the side of Shane’s face and cupped a cheek that bloomed with a smile.

“Look, I um…” Shane whispered after a bit of silence. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Just… me, I guess.” Shane wasn’t meeting his eyes. Kian didn’t like that. “I haven’t been the best.”

“You’re always the best.” Kian shuffled in closer.

Shane shook his head. “I mean recently. I’m…” Shane frowned for a second. His brain a mess trying search for the sufficient term. Then his face fell flat like a wire was undone. Kian couldn’t pinpoint how heartbreaking that was. “I don’t know.”

“Perfect?” He tried to elicit a small laugh, which he didn’t get. “Shane, talk to me,” he sighed.

“About what?”

“You.” Kian ran his hand through soft hair, smiled when Shane tilted into his tender touch. “I want to know what’s going on in here,” Kian brushed his thumb over Shane’s glistening forehead, “whatever it is. I want to help.”

Shane fell silent again.  Kian waited. However long Shane needed, he would always wait.

“It’s complicated.” Shane mumbled in the end as he closed his eyes, like it was somehow easier to withdraw by not seeing things.

Kian pursed his lips and swallowed the fire of an urge to yell at something. “You know you can talk to me about anything.”

“Of course. Later.” Shane opened his eyes a little bit, just a slit, and shuffled forward for a cuddle. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying you’re sorry,” Kian scolded and brought his arm around a waist that seemed to get slimmer by the day.

Shane didn’t say anything for the rest of the night.

***

“It’s your birthday in a month. What do you wanna do?” Shane asked, his hair still sticking up and his mouth full of cereal. Kian chuckled. He had told the boy he could sleep in more if he wanted to, but Shane had insisted to get up and have breakfast with him until he had to go to work. It was adorable.

“I don’t know. Just something simple. Probably a dinner or something.”

“Your parents said they’ll come up and spend the day though. That’s exciting.” Shane rubbed his half-closed eyes.

Kian shrugged and swung his spoon around in the bowl. “They’re not even sure yet. Mum got off work but dad doesn’t know if he can.”

He’d been delighted when his parents called to tell him they’re coming for his birthday. Delighted was probably too light of a term. He’d almost cried. It had been _months_ since he’d seen their faces, and he didn’t think there was anything he wanted more in that moment. But then his dad had said ‘maybe’, ‘hopefully’, ‘most likely’, and his heart dropped a little. Of course he understood, but still.

“I’m sure he can. It’ll be a great day. I promise.”

Kian looked up to a kind smile and Shane’s hand covering his. “You’re right,” he tried to smile back before taking a quick glance at his watch and stuffing the last of the cereal in his mouth. “I should get going. Are you going back to sleep?”

Shane got up as Kian fetched his bag, a hand on his back as they walked towards the door. “Maybe. I have to be at work too in a few hours, so I’ll see.” He kissed Kian’s cheek, got a heavenly one back. “I’ll see you in the evening.”

Kian nodded and couldn’t resist the urge to give the boy another kiss. “Have a great day.”

“You too,” Shane waved and stood there with the door open until Kian disappeared around the corner.

***

Nicky was chatting about… about something. Shane probably should have been listening. He wasn’t, really. Remembered Nicky saying something about a cousin who got really drunk during Christmas. Then nothing. It was like white noise.

“…ane. Shane. Hello? Shane!”

Shane blinked quickly and looked back towards Nicky and his bemused grin when he yelled. “What?”

“Wrong place,” Nicky pointed.

“Oh. Sorry.” He put the orange juices back to their correct spots, not where the coke cans should have been.

“Are you alright? You seem distracted today.”

“Just didn’t get much sleep last night. I’ll be alright. What were you saying?”

Nicky continued with the story half-hearted, studying Shane carefully. Something was off. Something in his eyes – dazed. Something in the way Shane looked like he barely had the energy to move the drink cans with those thin fingers. He didn’t know what it was. Shane would be alright one day, then the very next day, he would come into work basically crawling across the floor. Nicky was about to ask again when a customer came in.

Shane felt Nicky’s eyes leave him for a minute. Thank god.

“A pack of the Marlboro, please,” the customer said.

Shane froze. The universe flipped upside down for too many beats of his heart.

_Clang!_

“Jesus, are you alright?” Nicky called from behind the counter and perked up in concern.

The glass bottle in his hand had cracked into pieces all over the floor. Orange juice splattered, pooling around his feet, like it was locking him in. He couldn’t move a single muscle if it was the last thing he had to do.

Marlboro.

That voice. He knew that voice. Holding his breath, he turned around.

A man that looked nothing like his father. Short. Tan. Friendly eyes that looked back at him in concern. 

“You okay, lad?” The man spoke.

Shane felt a sob choke through his throat, despite his eyes being the driest they’d ever been. “Y… Yes. Yeah. Sorry.”

Shane wobbled down to his knees and slowly collected the shattered pieces of glass. He saw the tips of his fingers trembling as he reached out for them.

Nicky shoved the change back to the customer and ran over, got down beside him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“You’re sweating.”

“I’m okay. I just… That man’s voice, he sounded exactly like…” Shane shook his head and trailed off. “You know.”

Nicky nodded, understanding. “Do you want to go home? I’m happy to cover for you.”

Shane shook his head again and leaned on Nicky’s arm to stand up. His knees still felt weak. “I’ll be fine.”

“Go on your break then.”

“No, I-“

“Please? Just relax for half an hour. Go for a walk or something.” Nicky put his hand back on a tense shoulder, next to a slightly heaving chest. “I’ll take care of this.”

Shane hesitated for a moment before giving into a nod and a ‘thank you’.

Nicky watched until Shane took slow steps out of the store and fetched the broom.

***

Kian had woken up to soft butterfly kisses on his neck, a sweet voice whispering “happy birthday, love” with an adorable morning growl, and the amount of happiness blooming on his skin was almost too much. Then Shane had crawled underneath the sheets to apparently wish his cock a very slurpy happy birthday too. Kian wasn’t opposed at all.

The moment his parent’s walked through the door this morning, Kian had started crying. His dad had gotten off work, and it felt like he hadn’t seen both of them longer than what it actually was. It somehow felt like they looked older, but at the same time, a lot younger. His mum had cried too with the biggest smile he’d seen in a few years, his dad looking at him like he would vanish if he didn’t for two seconds. He couldn’t tell which one hurt more.

And when they teamed up to cook what looked like a Christmas feast, Kian tried to not cry again. God, he missed this. Walking into a home that radiated smells of comfort. They weren’t just leftovers that Minjae let him take home. Microwaved dinners. Toast and eggs and soup that fit the budget Kian drew up every week. They were dishes and dishes with love sprinkled on top; dishes that Shane was helping set up with a wide grin on his face.

A part of him missed having this every day. Home. He missed Sligo. He never really brought it up because that would mean having to talk about Sligo to Shane which wasn’t the best idea, but he really really missed this.

Nicky had been an absolute charmer when he came back from work just in time for dinner. Kian hadn’t expected anything less – Nicky was always a charmer.

And now his mum was telling embarrassing childhood stories. Of course she was.

“Mam, stop!” Kian rolled his eyes and felt his cheeks flare up.

“But it’s true! You were only four. No need to be embarrassed, sweetie,” she tried to appease. It didn’t work. But Shane was laughing. _Real_ laughing.

“Can’t believe you actually peed in a store display toilet,” Nicky was two seconds away from falling off his chair. “Poor Home Depot.”

“I will murder you in your sleep, I promise you.” Kian pointed the tip of his knife at that giddy face, and then Shane chuckled beside him. His knife didn’t feel so pointy anymore.

“Aw babe, it’s fine. It’s cute.” Shane kissed his cheek with a laugh flowering his cheek before excusing himself to the bathroom.

And when he came back, Kian’s mum thought that was the perfect time to tell the next embarrassing story.

But Shane was laughing throughout the whole night, and there was no better way to spend his birthday than seeing Shane happy.


	9. Nine

“What’s this?” Nicky looked at the white envelope Kian handed him.

“Our cut of this week’s rent.”

Nicky handed it back. “Just give me free Korean food and you’re good.”

Kian chuckled and sat down beside him. “Take it. It’s about time. Too late, honestly. Sorry.”

Nicky wriggled his lips and took it. It felt weird. “Are you sure? You don’t have to. You know that.”

“I think we do,” Kian shrugged. “Shane and I are both earning. And I don’t think we can move out any time soon, so… Yeah. It’s not fair on you. Take it.”

“I… Right. Okay. Thanks.” Nicky put it down on the coffee table, and they watched TV for a bit. Dumb daytime soap operas with half-brothers hooking up with half-sisters, unexplained murders and people crying, and Kian really didn’t want to watch people crying. He’d seen enough. He picked up the remote and changed the channel. Landed on Postman Pat. “You’d seriously rather watch this than hot family members making out with each other?”

“Think I’d rather watch anything than that,” Kian snickered. “I wanted to be Postman Pat when I was a kid.”

“Usually, people say they wanted to be a Power Ranger or something.”

“Did you want to be a Power Ranger?”

“Maybe,” Nicky shrugged with a mirthful smile. “Although I think that was just because my sister said she wanted to be one so she could kick my arse, and I thought I could be a better one.”

“So did she kick your arse?”

“She kicked the hell out of my arse.”

Kian rolled his eyes through a laugh.

“Hey, it’s better than your dumb Postman. What kind of kid just wants to deliver envelopes their entire life?”

“He does more than that! My man’s a legend.” Kian pointed at the TV where Pat was saving sheep from a tree. What an absolute legend. “I remember Shane said he wanted to be Jess just so he could follow me around and we could do nice things for people.”

“That’s adorable.” Jess was busy helping out. Being good and listening to Pat. Yeah, Nicky could see it. “How’s Shane doing?”

“Pretty good, actually. I’m glad.”

“Oh.” Nicky seemed a little confused. A slight shadow washed over Kian’s face.

“Why?”

“What? I just said oh.” Nicky tried to straighten out his facial expression. Kian wasn’t falling for it. He never fell for these things, Nicky realised. He sighed and made sure that Shane’s bedroom door was still closed. “There was a little… thing. At the store. Think it was a few days before your birthday. Something triggered him. He freaked out a little.”

“I…” The space between Kian’s eyebrows crumpled. Nicky grimaced. “He didn’t tell me. He seemed so… fine.”

“It was your birthday. Maybe he didn’t want to ruin it.” Kian probably wasn’t even listening to him, judging by the way his eyes were loosely focused on the Postman, bottom lip bitten down on. “He was better after a little break though. Don’t worry too much. He-“

Shane’s door clicked open. Nicky darted his eyes to the TV, heard Shane’s croaky morning voice say hi.

***

“One bulgogi with rice,” Minjae put the order in. He clicked his fingers in front of Kian’s eyes that weren’t focusing on anything.

Kian jumped and almost dropped the knife in his hand. “Sorry?”

“One bulgogi with rice.”

“Oh. Right. Yeah. Sorry. Coming up.” Kian rubbed his eyes and grabbed the ingredients.

“You seem distracted today. Is everything alright?” Minjae cleared the chopping board for him, looking at him with concern. Kian nodded as he started chopping up the carrots. “You don’t look it.”

Kian just chuckled a little bit. Realised it didn’t really sound like one when Minjae looked at him with concern clouding his eyes.

“Is it the little one?” Minjae asked.

Kian nodded slightly. He hadn’t told Minjae the entire story, but he got the gist of it. Unsafe home. Runaway planned. Trying to build a new life. He didn’t know how to tell _this_ though.

My boyfriend is too considerate and didn’t want to ruin my day so he didn’t tell me what happened. He didn’t let me worry. It’s what I do; worry. He didn’t let me care for him. It’s what I do; care for him. But Shane’s also a grown up and is allowed to do whatever he wants. Of course he is. He doesn’t _need_ me to care for him or need to tell me everything. But I don’t know what else he hasn’t told me and that scares me a little bit.

He didn’t know how to say all that without going crazy himself.

“I think I miss home.” He said instead, which was also true. Even just two days back home would be a paradise getaway right now. “It’s been ages. And I mean, you moved entire countries. You know what it’s like.”

“I do.” Minjae nodded with a poignant smirk. “I was a little younger than you when I moved here. Seventeen. I told my parents that I was going to quit school and move to another country to start my own business. They told me that it would ruin my life. That I’d never make it if I stepped out of Seoul. But I did it anyway, and they didn’t talk to me for about three years, which I honestly kind of expected. I didn’t even go back to Korea for about five.”

Five years without going home. Kian didn’t think he had the strength to do that.

“But I had things to do, a life to build, and that was important to me. It was really hard but I don’t regret it. I’m sure you’re the same.”

Kian nodded.

“And you’re doing a great job, kiddo. Much better than I was doing at your age,” Minjae smiled at him, and that felt like a hug. Kian felt a little lump in his throat. “But my advice? Go back and visit time to time if you can. I’m sure if I had the ability to do that back then, I would have been much happier.”

“I wish I could,” Kian returned his gaze to the vegetables being chopped. “I don’t want to bring it up and then make Shane sad or nervous or something.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand. He wants you to be happy, right?” Kian nodded. Of course. “Then tell him that it’ll make you happy. He doesn’t have to go with you if he doesn’t want to, but it shouldn’t stop you from going. You’re allowed to do things separately. That’s not being selfish.”

Kian didn’t know how he felt about leaving Shane alone here. Sure, he had Nicky and Mark, but it was different, for both of them. It would feel like he was leaving a piece of his heart behind and he wouldn’t enjoy Sligo as much.

“And you need a break, Kian. It’ll be good for you.”

“Yeah. I’ll think about it,” Kian promised. “Thank you though.”

Minjae pat him on the shoulder with a kind smile and went out to serve.

***

Kian thought about bringing up the big Sligo topic about twenty times for the past few days, but none of it seemed like the perfect timing. Either Shane was really engrossed in the same soap operas that Nicky died for, or he was taking a nap, or they were having dinner, or like now, he was busy panting against Kian’s neck as fingers rolled knuckle-deep inside him.

“God, you feel good,” Kian lilted in his ear, giving the lobe a little bite.

Shane replied with a growl, grinded up against his bare cock, and _fuck_ , Sligo really wasn’t the issue right now.

“Do that again.” Kian could barely get through the sentence when Shane did it again, and again, and that delicious pressure as they rubbed, _scrubbed_ , against each other was something to live for. He pushed a third finger in, and Shane arched up towards him with a gasp.

Little whimpers filled Kian’s ear with every beat of his fingers thrusting, shots of air against his neck, and Kian wanted to _see_ this. He wanted to see the flushed cheeks. The eyes rolling back as a moan escaped from pretty lips. The pure bliss sparking from hazel pupils that held his future. He wanted to see.

“Look at me,” he whispered and moved his non-devoured hand to guide Shane’s head up.

This wasn’t what he wanted to see.

“Wait, Shay-“

“Keep going,” Shane croaked and dug his face back into Kian’s neck. Kian pulled his fingers out.

“Are you crying?”

Shane shook his head, tears seeping into Kian’s skin and drowning his heart. Kian blinked for a bit, eyebrows crinkled and confused stuck in a trance, until Shane voiced a muffled sob. He wrapped an arm around the boy, brushed a soft kiss against his temple, trying to ignore his own trembling soul.

“Love, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Keep going.” Shane tugged on the fingers that had just pulled out on him, but his wavering voice suggested something different.

“No. Hey.” Kian entwined their fingers and tugged them back towards his chest. A small sob choked out, and Kian could almost hear his heart cracking – confusion and ache hitting it at once. “What happened? Did I do something?”

Shane shook his head and snuggled in closer, a hand clutching at his back. “You were wonderful.”

“Then what was wrong?”

“I don’t know,” Shane sobbed, voice slightly muffled against the skin of his neck.

Kian couldn’t tell if he was lying or not. Either way, he decided not to push it. He hugged him tighter and let him cry for a bit, offering soft kisses and words of comfort. He didn’t know what else he could offer. He didn’t know what was wrong. He wanted to know what was wrong. He didn’t know if Shane himself knew what was wrong, or if he just wasn’t talking.

He wanted to know what was wrong.

***

Minjae had asked if Kian wanted to go home early today. That he looked like he was going to faint. Kian had said thanks but no. Cooking was a nice distraction. When customers stuck their thumb up on their way out through the glass window, Kian could manage a smile and not think about Shane for two seconds.

Or feel horrible for not realising that Shane wasn’t okay sooner.

Shane had gone to the bathroom a few times during his birthday. Still took long naps days after that. Some days didn’t touch a lot of the food during breakfast, but Kian thought he just hadn’t been awake enough.

Then when Nicky told him about the incident at the store, he’d wanted to kick himself.

No, Shane hadn’t been happy since then. Something must have switched off in his head. Kian had assumed he was happy. He should have known better. In the way Shane still flinched a little when someone raised their hand above their head. In the way Shane conveniently found an excuse to not eat. To sleep early. He should have seen it in those eyes. He knew Shane better than anyone. He shouldn’t have been the one to assume.

Then last night. Last night had really broken his heart. Shane had seemed enthusiastic. Kian hadn’t known there was a layer hiding underneath the enthuse. So many tears that Shane just couldn’t hide anymore, that had broken the limit of the dam and overflowed.

He hadn’t known happiness was this complicated.

He hadn’t known he was so fucking stupid.

It was all happening to fast and his mind couldn’t catch up.

Kian scrubbed the tears that had formed in his eyes dry and tried to focus on the beef he was frying.

***

Shane hadn’t had a nightmare in a long time. It was the same thing. Back in his old home. Himself helpless on the floor or pinned down by a thick arm like a log.

But it didn’t stop at the first punch this time. No, he had to see it all. More punches. Slaps. Scars Bruises. He had to feel it all. He had to hear it all. He had to relive it all again. He had to endure and endure until there was so much pressure in his chest that he could die in his sleep, and the world really wanted him to suffer as much as he could until he was rescued out of that sleep.

He hadn’t jumped awake like this in a long time, sweating and hyperventilating and shivering.

“Kian?” He called. There was no answer.

“Nicky?” He called. There was no answer.

His heart was slamming against his ribcage as he jumped out of bed to turn on the lights. He glanced at the clock. 5:32 PM. Both of them would still have been at work.

Shane tried to look around the room without having it spin too much. He was safe. Safe. Safe. He was safe. Home. He was home. He wasn’t in Sligo. Not Sligo. No, he was okay.

His heart didn’t stop beating too fast. He didn’t feel safe.

Felt like vomiting instead, with the unsettling stir in his gut that clawed up his throat leaving caves of blood. He stumbled to the bathroom and flung himself over the toilet seat.

His knuckles were washed white, gripping onto the seat as he gagged. Chest feeling impossibly tight with every dry heave exhausting every molecule of energy. Four, five, six times, and nothing came out. He saw stars in front of his eyes, sweat trickling down from his temples.

The churn in his stomach didn’t stop. The pain in his heart didn’t stop. The tremble in his fingers didn’t stop.

He needed something. Anything.

He needed this to stop. He needed release. Relief.

Something. Anything.

Anything.

He crawled across the bathroom floor, the idea of standing up too much for him, and opened the top drawer. A box of shaving razor blades caught his eye. He’d seen it in movies. Heard stories. Had never done it before.

This probably wasn’t right.

No.

No.

Y… No.

He closed the drawer. Tried to suck in a slow breath, that wasn’t slow at all.

He felt like vomiting again. A cage closed in around his heart, tighter and tighter and tighter and Shane could almost feel it seconds away from exploding.

He gulped and opened the drawer back up.

***

“Shane, Minjae gave me some kimchi stew to take home!” Kian closed the door behind him and slid his jacket off. He waltzed into the living room. Into an empty living room. He put the food down on the table. “Shay?”

He popped his head into the bedroom. Into an empty bedroom. The lights were off. An ominous shadow scratched at Kian’s guts. With knitted-in eyebrows, he noticed his steps quicken.

“Babe, are you in here-“ Kian wished he didn’t walk into the bathroom. He wished he didn’t see this. He wished he had stayed in the bedroom, waiting. Oblivious. Having not seen this.

“K… Kian, I…”

Shane was looking up at him, an empty look in those hazels hoarding too many emotions at the same time, sitting on the bathroom floor with a razor blade in his hands just millimetres away from the precious skin of his thigh, the precious skin already lined with red.

“Shane… what are you…” Kian was looking in between Shane’s face and the blade in his hands. His thigh. He couldn’t process this bullet of a scene with the life of him. Shane was still looking at him, tears standing in those eyes but yet to fall.

“I’m sorry.” Shane’s voice was wavering as he dropped the blade, a light clang as it landed on the tiles.

Kian traipsed closer, taking half a step, a quarter of a step closer. It felt like Shane was going to disappear if he got to close. Like a fairy tale. He’d disintegrate into sparkly dust the moment he touched him and ascend towards the sky. None of this was real. It couldn’t be.

“I’m sorry…” Shane whispered again through his clasped throat, a tear finally letting go of his bottom eyelashes when Kian kneeled right in front of him. Kian was crying - silent tears that were louder than any midnight howl. Shane’s heart broke.

“What did you do?” Kian croaked, eyes not leaving the fresh scars Shane had carved upon himself.

Shane couldn’t stop looking at Kian’s face. Couldn’t stop tracing every edge, every curve, every track of tears. The shock, the hurt on Kian’s face, the tears in the eyes that held his entire world, the pained gasp from those gaped lips. Shane never wanted to hurt this boy like this. Never. This was never the plan.

“I’m sorry.” It was all he could say.

“Stop saying your sorry. Fuck.” Kian shuffled up and crushed him into a hug, arms draping around his entire body and at the same time, letting him breathe for the first time tonight somehow.

Shane broke down into messy sobs, digging his face into a strong, hitching shoulder.


	10. Ten

**What’s for dinner, chef? On my way home.**

Kian smirked at Nicky’s text and went to look through the fridge. It wasn’t exactly full but he could surely put something together. There was beef in there that he got from Minjae. Some vegetables.

“Shay, do you want beef stir-fry for dinner?”

There was no reply. His chest tightened.

No, he couldn’t do this again.

“Shane?” He leaped into the living room. Felt his shoulders sag in relief when he saw the boy.

Shane was sat on the chair in the balcony, knees hugged and eyes searching in the long star-scattered distance. Kian wondered if it was best to let him be. Some time to himself. But the boy looked so small, it broke him.

He could barely remember the time he thought Shane actually looked happy. Not when he _thought_ Shane was happy, but when Shane felt happy for himself. There were the occasional episodes of comfort, peace, of stupid childish fun they shared over the years. Episodes like his birthday that had tricked him into thinking Shane was content. If those episodes were taken away, there were only seasons of Shane looking like _that_. Tiny. Quiet. Still. Lost. Miserable. In his own world that Kian couldn’t knock into.

Kian decided to sit beside him.

“Hi. What are you doing out here?” He asked in the most casual tone he could manage.

“Just… thinking.” Shane mumbled, still looking out.

“About what?”

“Stuff. I don’t know.” Kian nodded. It was a while until Shane spoke again. “Kian?”

“Hm?”

Shane hesitated, teeth digging into lips. “Do you think it hurt?”

“Do I think what hurt?”

“Dad. When he found out I left, he… do you think it hurt him? Do you think he cared?”

That bright star up there told him that he didn’t. She shined in such a morose blue light, attempting to comfort him but failing to.

“Of course he did,” Kian crooned. Either Kian or the star was lying. Shane didn’t know which one he would prefer.

“I don’t think so.” Shane breathed, then dragged out a long sigh. “It’s probably for the best if it didn’t.”

Kian held his hand in silence.

“Right?”

Kian blinked blankly like he didn’t know he was supposed to talk. “Yeah. Probably. Um,” he hesitated. “I don’t know, I… What do you think?”

Shane looked away and up to the star again. It looked she was crying. “I think it hurt me,” he whispered through a flash-flood in his chest, “and… I’d like to think that it hurt him too, even a little bit. Because if it didn’t, then I just… I’m really nothing. I really meant nothing to him, you know? Nothing.”

Kian pursed his lips as Shane’s voice thickened, eyes glistening underneath the starlight. “You’re not nothing.”

“He’s not even looking for me.”

“Do you want him to look for you?”

Shane fell quiet again. In that little world in the head of his that apparently accepted no visitors. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, eyelashes hugging each other, then separated just before they could get comfortable as Shane opened his eyes. He tried to find that star again. The blue star that told him he didn’t mean much.

“No,” Shane mumbled finally. “But I want him to care.”

Kian felt his fingers roll into his palm. Chest feeling a little tight. “But _why_?”

Shane looked up at the sharp tone. The restrained anger trapped underneath equalising lips that Shane recognised easily. “Ki…”

“Why do you even care what he thinks? He treated you like shit your entire life.”

“He’s still my dad.”

“Tell me _one_ nice dad thing he did for you. Fucking _one_.” Kian’s fist was shaking. He was glaring. He didn’t even care.

“He…” Shane glared back, his mind racing to refute. It was blank though. Pictures in his head that he had tried to mitigate, tried to tell himself that it wasn’t that bad. But it was blank. It _was_ that bad. Shane looked away from hardened eyes.

“I thought so.” Kian sighed and tried release the tension in the tips of his fingers, to relax his shoulders and his chest. “Love,” he called softer, “what he thinks doesn’t matter anymore. And the fact that he doesn’t care doesn’t make you _nothing_. It’s not your fault. It’s a good thing you left. You’re safe and that’s all that matters.”

Shane slowly nodded, trying to let it sink in and fight against the shell covering his brain. “Sorry. Yeah, I… You’re right.”

Shane bit down on his lip, trembling with the weight of dejection. Right, well, now Kian felt bad. He reached out to hold an effete hand. “It really is a good thing you left. We’re out here on our own, and we’re making it, aren’t we?”

Shane shrugged, looking away from the stars and down at the floor.

“We are,” Kian leaned closer to kiss his cheek. “You have a job. I have a job. We found great friends. We’re not out on the streets. We get to wake up to each other every day on a bed. I think we did pretty well for ourselves, considering everything.”

“It’s nice waking up to you,” Shane allowed a little smile to seep through, eyes still shyly tracing the ground.

“Exactly,” Kian kissed the tip of that smile and let out a low chuckle when it grew against his lips. “I just… wish you would talk to me more about it. Thinking about all this on your own won’t help.”

“I know,” Shane grazed his hand over his pants, over his thigh that held the scars, and Kian tried not to look. Tried to remind himself of that small smile again. He didn’t really want to cry right now. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be, darling,” Kian grabbed the hand and placed it on his own thigh instead of Shane’s. “Do you want to talk about it now?”

Shane bit down on his lip again. “No,” he spoke after a while, “I think Nicky will be home soon anyways.”

“He can wait.”

“It’s fine. I’m hungry. Let’s start dinner,” Shane stood up and slid his hands into his pockets.

“Shane…”

“Just… Not now, Ki. Later.” Irritation itched at Shane’s voice. Kian sank back into his seat, defeated. Felt drooped eyes wash over him. Lips caressing his forehead as a palm cupped his cheek. Then he disappeared inside, only after another stroke of his chin and another quick kiss.

Kian remained outside with fists clenched and tried to ignore the lingering feeling that kiss left.

***

Shane hadn’t really eaten the toast and scrambled eggs Kian had cooked up for breakfast. Was only about a quarter of the way through when Nicky was almost done.

“Fuck, why are your scrambled eggs better than mine? They’re just eggs.” Kian choked up a laugh at Nicky’s pout. “Why do you hardly cook breakfast for us?”

“I always cook breakfast. You just wake up after I’ve gone to work. You’re lucky I have a free day.”

“Lucky Shane, always having nice breakfast.” Shane smirked, eyes fixated on his toast.

They hadn’t had breakfast together for the last couple weeks, actually. Kian had woken him up, and he’d said “sorry, I’m tired”. Kian hadn’t woken him up the next day. Or the day after that. Or for the week after that.

“I need to get going,” Shane popped a final bite of toast in his mouth, half of it still resting on his plate, and stood up. Kian wanted to kiss him goodbye. But also, not really. He could see Shane stuck in the middle too, awkwardly lingering with a lopsided grin, until he just went to pick up his bag. “I’ll see you guys after, yeah?”

Kian nodded. “Have a good day at work.”

Shane thanked him and half-raised his hand to wave, walking out when he realised Nicky was looking at them funny. Then the door closed, and of course, Nicky had questions.

“Right. Did you two have a fight or something?” Nicky asked. Raised an eyebrow when Kian shrugged. “You’ve been weird for like a week now. At least. What was it about?”

“It wasn’t a fight. It was… I don’t know. A _thing_. It’s complicated.” Kian wanted to laugh. He sounded exactly like Shane. And he hated that. It wasn’t a fight though. It wasn’t much of anything. Just built up emotions really pushing the lid and both of them not being ready to twist it open. Kian didn’t want it to burst though. Knew that it would soon, if Shane was going to be like that forever.

“Complicated?”

“He’s…” Kian put down his fork. He could let the lid twist open at least a little bit. “I want him to _talk_ to me. About everything. He hasn’t properly talked to me in so long. I don’t know. Does he talk to you?”

“Not a lot of serious things.” Nicky poked the whites of his egg.

“I’ve tried for so long. Nothing’s happening.” Kian sighed, frustrated.

“I thought he was doing a little better. Better than before at least.”

Kian shook his head and brought his hands up to his eyes. He rubbed them before they could get watery. He didn’t want to fucking _do_ that right now.

“Give him some time. I’m sure he’ll come around. He could need time to himself.”

“I don’t _want_ to give him time to himself.”

Nicky tilted his head, confused eyes also looking a little offended.

“I… I don’t trust him,” Kian confessed. He felt horrible for saying it, but it was true. With every passing day, Kian trusted Shane less. With every trace of sadness Shane left with his path, Kian trusted him less.

“Kian…”

“He cut himself.” Nicky fell silent. Kian wished he’d said something. Anything to distract him from seeing these flashes – Shane on the bathroom floor, lines of blood on thighs that he’d kissed, the look on Shane’s face. He wondered if there was ever going to be a way to forget this. “I don’t want him to do it again. Who knows what he’ll do next? I can’t… I can’t stand around and watch.”

“I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know what to do,” Kian whispered, the life drained out of his eyes.

Nicky sighed and swore underneath his breath.

Then he walked around the table to give Kian a hug.


	11. Eleven

“Ow!” Shane rubbed his head and looked back at Nicky with a mischievous grin flicking Maltesers at him. He felt a laugh puff from his lips. “Stop, you eejit.”

“But I’m _bored_. Urgh.” Nicky groaned and rested his chin on his hand leaning on the counter. “I think we only had like three customers today. This is shit.”

“I know. God.” They’d spent most of the day reading trashy magazines, flicking through radio channels, making bets on how long it would take until the next customer came in. He didn’t know why Alyssa wanted both of them to work. “We’re closing up in ten minutes though.”

“Yeah, thank fuck. Do you wanna go out after?”

“Out where?”

Nicky shrugged. “Just out. Pub, maybe? We could grab a few drinks. I refuse to let _this_ be my whole day.”

Shane smirked. “Alright well, I’ll text Kian and see if he wants to come. Ask Mark too?”

Nicky nodded and opened his phone. He sent a text to Kian instead. **Taking Shane out for a drink to talk. He’s gonna text u in a sec too so just say no**

Kian had asked him to talk to Shane that day at breakfast. To see if Shane would just _talk_ , because he wouldn’t to Kian. He’d just wanted to make sure that he was okay, to know what was going on, instead of shutting him out. This seemed like the perfect chance. Nicky was worried too.

“Kian said he’s tired.” Shane put his phone back in his pocket.

“And Mark needs to study,” Nicky lied. “You and me then?”

***

The pub was pretty quiet. A Tuesday night wasn’t exactly their most popular day. It was nicer this way for trying to get Shane to talk. Although, he started feeling tipsy. Shane looked it too with clumsier laughs, and he was running out of time.

“By the way,” Shane wiped his mouth with the back of his hand after a sip of his Guinness. “I don’t think I’ve ever really thanked you properly for letting us stay at your place.”

“Ah, it’s not a big deal.”

“No. It _is_ a big deal. It’s…” Shane shook his head and fiddled with his glass. Looked a little emotional. Bless alcohol. “We probably would have still been living in our car if it weren’t for you. Or some rat-infested dump.”

“You’re my friends. It’s nothing.” Nicky waved his hand and gulped down some more beer. “I’m sorry you had to live in a car though. That must have been tough.”

Shane shrugged.

“I’d imagine it was better than your old home though,” Nicky took a shot. Bit down on his lip nervously when Shane’s face carefully straightened.

“It was, yeah. Like…” Okay, he was talking. The shot was worth it. Thank Jesus for vodka. “Sure, I was miserable with the car. But I was miserable back home too. Might as well be miserable and _not_ get beat up, you know?” Shane chortled at himself, but Nicky heard the pain that was at the very core of that deflating sound. Maybe this was the door to get him to talk more.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that stuff. Back home, I mean.”

“It’s alright. I’m away from it now, aren’t I?” Shane smiled at him, and it hurt even more.

“Are you?”

Shane failed to keep the smile as he averted his eyes.

“You can talk to me, you know. How are you these days?”

Shane still didn’t look at him. Just an absent shrug. “I’m fine,” he muttered. “How are you and Mark going?” He finally looked up – not with eyes that would usually conceal the inner, darker layer; a filter that alcohol was breaking in Nicky’s favour.

“We’re good.” Nicky answered flatly. “Stop changing the subject.”

Shane looked away again, lips pursed in a small surge of anger in his veins. “You wouldn’t understand, Nicky.” He muttered softly, a bite of roughness on the back of his tongue. “We’re from different worlds.”

“What, you and I?” Nicky raised a defensive eyebrow.

“Yeah. You and I.” Shane darted his eyes up, the edges sharpening. “You’re from a world where your parents bought you presents when you had a cold to cheer you up and told you that they loved you. I’m from a world where my dad snapped my Game Boy in half and fucking _slapped_ me because my coughing was annoying. You wouldn’t under _stand_.”

Nicky fell speechless for a while. Kind of felt like crying for this small boy looking at him so morosely. He had to look away for a second. He didn’t want to see the young child in him, the look on his face he would have had after being slapped, seeing his toy break. “Shane…”

Shane huffed out a sigh and wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand. He hadn’t realised they were wet. “Sorry,” he whispered.

Nicky put his hand on top of Shane’s. Saw Shane look at it, eyes weighted. “You know you can talk to either of us about anything. I wouldn’t understand all of it, no, but I’m still here for you. I can still listen. Kian too. Kian even more, actually.”

Shane nodded and flipped his hand over to hold the one on top of his. “Does Kian talk to you about me a lot?”

“Um,” Nicky thought about what the right answer would be. “Sometimes,” he said ambiguously. “He’s just worried about you. And I am too. You always look…” God, this was harder than Nicky thought it would be. He didn’t know what he had to say. What he could say without making Shane feel guilty about it. It was probably best to be straightforward. “Unhappy. And you never really talk about it.”

Shane pulled his hand out from underneath the grip to drink some more. He stayed quiet, staring at the pub label on a half-empty glass. He could feel Nicky’s eyes on him. Studying him. He cleared his throat. “Half the time, I don’t even… know why. I don’t know why I’m not happy. I’m just kind of… not.”

Nicky hummed in encouragement. Shane was talking. It was slow. The air around them filled with silences on the thin borderline of uncomfortable. His voice hesitant as he tried to calm it with the dark beer. But he was _talking_. Nicky was happy to wait. He had to admit; it was easier to crack him open than he thought it would be. Maybe some of it really did have to do with Kian.

“I want to be happy, you know? Of course I do. And I should be. I’m away from home. I have Kian. I should be happy. It’s what I’ve always wanted.” The space between Shane’s eyebrows crinkling with edges of convoluted emotion and looked down at his lap. “It’s too hard though.”

Nicky nodded. He tried to understand. Couldn’t understand it all, really. They really were from different worlds, but fuck, he was going to be supportive with every bit of him. “Do you think therapy would help?”

Shane scoffed. “Like we can afford that.”

“Right.” Nicky pursed his lips apologetically. “Have you told Kian anything like this?”

“Not a lot,” Shane mumbled.

“Why? It could help you feel better.” Nicky waited for Shane while he took a few moments to think. He was sucking on his lip, eyebrows wriggling trying to juggle the right words to articulate the jumble of thoughts and emotions that he had just been dragging around this whole time, letting it bleed itself over the floors.

“Most days when I wake up I think, well, there’s no point in me getting up. I’ll be unhappy either way. It won’t amount to anything.” Shane’s voice started to waver, eyes glistening, and Nicky reached out to hold his hand again. “But then I see Kian sleeping next to me, and it makes everything a little better. It’s still shit but… you know. Less shit. He makes things possible. I… don’t think I do the same for him.”

“What do you mean?” Nicky knitted his eyebrows in at Shane’s guilty grimace.

“I feel like I’m not enough for him. Like…” Shane sighed and scrubbed his face with the hand that wasn’t clutching onto his drink. “I bring him down. All he does is look after me and worry about me and try to make things better for me, and I haven’t made a single thing better for him. And if I start talking about this, he’ll feel all guilty and I just… I don’t know.”

Nicky caught the first tear that dropped down Shane’s cheek with his finger. Felt his heart break when Shane let out a soft sob. “Shane, look at me.” Shane shook his head and fixated his gaze on the table. Away from his eyes. “You make him so happy. You two make each other happy. And I should know – I see it every day.”

Shane looked down at his lap and shook his head again.

“Love, come on.” Nicky moved closer to pull him into a hug. “You should really talk to him.”

“I can’t,” Shane whispered into his shoulder. “It’ll hurt him.”

“I think it’ll hurt him even more if you _don’t_ talk to him. Would you want Kian to talk to you if something was wrong?”

Shane nodded with another sob.

“Then talk to him. I promise it’ll be good for both of you.”

Shane sighed. Nicky felt him slowly nod and hid a smirk with a kiss into his temple. “Can we get more drinks at least?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”

***

Kian was dozing off on the couch when the front door swung open, Shane’s arm around Nicky’s  shoulders and smiling like an idiot. Both their cheeks were red. Kian shook his head and chuckled. “Big night?”

“He’s fecking out of it.” He had a million questions for Nicky. About what they talked about. If he managed to get Shane to talk. But Nicky seemed pretty out of it too. Less, though, compared to his stumbling boyfriend. “He’s on you now. I’m sleeping.” Nicky tossed Shane to Kian, Kian catching him and holding him up. Then Nicky went to bed. Kian would have worried if it wasn’t for this helpless boy in his arms, leaning on him.

“Alright. Let’s get you to bed. Come on, silly.” He dragged him to lie down on the bed, taking off his jacket despite his whines.

Shane grabbed his wrist as soon as he turned around to get him a glass of water. “No, where are you going?”

“You need to drink some water. I’ll be back in two seconds, okay?”

“Stay here.” Shane pouted like a child and fuck, it was possibly the cutest thing Kian had ever seen. “Lie down with me.”

He obliged and lied down on his side, running his fingers through Shane’s hair to clear them from his face.

“You’re pretty,” Kian crooned and slid his knuckle along Shane’s jaw, then along a smile that bloomed.

“You’re prettier.” Shane traced his smile with his fingers too, and Kian leaned into the comforting touch. “Hey, if I ask you something, can you answer me honestly? Like, a hundred percent?”

“Of course.”

“Does being with me make you sad?” Shane asked, his eyes half-closed but somehow the widest at the same time.

Kian raised his eyebrows. Felt a pang at his chest with Shane’s poignant tone, those poignant words. What the fuck did he and Nicky talk about tonight? “What? I… Shane, why would you ask that?”

“Just answer me.” His eyes were more open. Focused. “Does it?”

“Of course not,” Kian answered in a fast heartbeat. “No. I love you. Of course you don’t make me sad. Shane-“ Kian caught himself and took a deep breath. Something that didn’t really calm his heart much. He shuffled closer until they were only a few centimetres apart. Running his fingers through hair above drooped eyes, he tried to smile for the boy. “You don’t make me sad. If I _wasn’t_ with you, I’d be sad.”

“Don’t feel like you have to say that. You’re too nice to me,” Shane whispered. Kian noticed a slight glisten in those orbs, pain making them water, red eyes that Kian didn’t know was because of alcohol or something else that he didn’t want to see. “I think I’d be sad if I was my boyfriend.”

“Never. You’d be really lucky. You’re the best boyfriend, darling.” Kian trailed his palm down to cup Shane’s jaw and when Shane nuzzled in it, he leaned up to kiss his forehead. “You make me so happy. I promise. Like, of course there are tough times. When I’m sad _for_ you. It’s never _because_ of you. When you’re sad, I’m sad because I want you to be happy, because you deserve so much better, not because I want you to be someone else or because I want to be with someone else or whatever. I love you, okay? I always want to be with you. You’re a part of me, Shane.”

Shane stayed silent and avoided Kian’s eyes. He looked like he wanted to cry. Kian wasn’t sure if he was supposed to say more things, or whether he had to give time for Shane to soak in what he’d just said. There were a mountain of things that he wanted to say. Just as he was about to say the next one, Shane pursed his lips and rolled to his other side instead, his back facing Kian. “I want to sleep,” he murmured.

“Oh.” Kian stayed there with an uncomfortable itch in his guts, trying not to cry as he whispered a weak “okay”.

Right. Maybe Shane just needed time. Maybe he just needed to sober up tomorrow morning. Maybe it wasn’t right for Kian to be hurt, every second watching Shane’s small back eviscerating.

He wondered if Shane was already asleep, which he kind of doubted. He wondered if Shane was crying. If he actually wanted a hug instead of sleep. If-

“Can I tell you something?” Shane sat up in the midst of the silence, and Kian blinked confusedly for a few seconds.

“Yeah. Anything,” he answered as he sat up too. Felt a bit weary caught up in a storm.

“I’m really just fucking…” Shane was deep in thought for a few seconds, sucking on his bottom lip. “In love with you. _So_ fucking in love with you.”

Kian’s heart swelled beyond his ribcage, but went back when the blue tone in Shane’s voice sunk him. “I’m in love with you too.”

“No but really, I… I don’t particularly love myself. I don’t know if I ever have.” There were tears starting to appear in Shane’s eyes again – broken pieces of stars trying to reattach themselves but unable to with the black lakes separating them. “But you do it for me. You love me even when I _hate_ myself.”

“Darling, I’ll always love you.” Kian sighed. “But you shouldn’t hate yourself. You’re gorgeous. Kind. Amazing. You have so much to love about yourself. Why do you…” God, now Kian was tearing up. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat. “Why do you hate yourself?”

Shane just stared into his hands, his lip trembling as he tried to hold back tears.

“Sweetie, talk to me.” He still didn’t say anything. “Unless you don’t want to. That’s up to you.”

“No, I… I want to.” _You really should talk to him._ Nicky was right. Shane took a deep breath for himself.

Kian wanted to have this conversation when Shane was sober. About why Shane didn’t love himself. Why he was feeling down. Why he was in the bathroom that night, scarring himself. But if this was the only time Shane would talk, Kian would take it.

“All my life, I…” Shane started, then stopped. Pondering. Organising thoughts in his brain and fighting against the alcohol stopping its streams. Kian waited patiently and held his hand that squeezed back, asking for support, and that, Kian would give unconditionally. “I’ve been told that I wasn’t… good enough, you know? Dad’s always said I ruined everything for him. I wasn’t what he wanted. I wasn’t good enough for him. For anything. For anyone. And he’s right.”

“He’s not.” Kian unclenched his jaw, just about, to reply.

“No. He is. And that’s what hurts the most.” Shane sniffed and wiped the wet streaks that marked his cheek. “I’ve grown up _despising_ him. Wishing that he would disappear one day by a miracle. Or that I would. Or that mam would just take me up there with her.”

Shane was struggling to get the next set of words out. Just stuck at the inner rim of his lips, begging to be let out into the world for the first time. Words that were locked in a cage in the darkest, deepest layer in his heart for no one else to take a peek at.

Kian waited again quietly. Patiently.

“He um…” Shane cleared his throat and tried to not look at the boy. He didn’t want to see the hurt in those precious blue eyes that were already damp and glimmering underneath the dim light. But the cage couldn’t hoard this alone anymore. Yes, Nicky was right. “He… threatened to kill me with a knife once.”

“I… What?”

“Yeah,” Shane sniffed. He looked so broken.

Kian held his breath. Felt a bolt of lightning crackle through his veins. Heard Shane’s voice fade with every pulse that sounded too loud thumping against his ear drum. He let the first tear finally fall after holding it in since Shane’s first word tonight.

“You…” A wet breath jumped from the nerves of his trembling lips. He blinked for a few more moments, trying to hear Shane instead of his pulse. His veins were permanently burnt. “You never told me that. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it’s humiliating. And I didn’t even know how to tell you, it was… I don’t know. He…”

There was a moment of heavy silence, then Shane’s face collapsed. He broke. He burst into heavy sobs into the heels of his palm. He could almost feel that sharp metal against his throat from that Winter’s night. His fingernails digging into the brick wall behind him. His voice lost in the storm of his twisting stomach. He remembered the window was open, the coldest wind tearing through his spirit. It was the moment he felt the most helpless in all his life, not being able to do a single thing to help himself with those flaring eyes staring down at him through the high bridge of a nose, knowing that the blade in the man’s hand could cut him at any second if he moved a single muscle. Or even if he didn’t move.

And then the devil on his left shoulder had whispered into his ear.

“You know what the saddest thing was? I thought… do it. Fucking _do it_ and I won’t have to live with it anymore. Do it and I’ll be dead, and that could actually be better. But he didn’t do it, and I was going to do it myself the next day.”

“Shane…” Kian said underneath a tremoring breath. He thought having to see Shane bruise and bleed was going to be the hardest thing he’d ever have to endure. No. He was wrong. Hearing this was. Hearing that the person that meant his entire world was hurting so much that he was willing to end it all - it was the hardest thing to hear.

“Then do you know what happened?”

Shane cupped Kian’s jaw and lifted it up. There was a sparkle in his eyes – a constellation that drew out their entire past.

“What?”

“You told me that you were in love with me.”

Kian’s heart dropped. So that had been the next day.

He remembered that day so clearly. A picture-perfect memory kissed with sunshine that held a special place in his heart – the tremble in his voice as he said “I love you, Shane”, the way the sky had split open when Shane said “I love you too”. Then the kiss that came after that. He could never forget Shane shyly caressing his face. The way Kian felt like he could feel and embody every beat of Shane’s heart. The way Shane’s other hand slipped into his. The way Shane’s lips felt like the missing puzzle piece to his whole life.

The day that Kian had decided this was it. That this was all he had ever wanted.

That was the day after Shane had had a knife to his throat. Had wanted to die. Had planned to come out and see him for one last time.

“I’d waited so long to hold your hand. I wasn’t going to let go of it so quickly.” Shane uttered through sobs. “You saved my life that day, Kian.”

“No, it was you that was strong.” Kian turned to kiss Shane’s palm, coating and sealing the kiss with a tear that dripped down to it, keeping it there forever.

Shane shook his head. “It was you, love.” His thumb brushed across Kian’s cheek and caught a river. And when he pulled the sobbing boy into a hug, the river flowed over his shoulder, dampening his cotton shirt, seeping into his skin and through to his bloodstream.

They stayed like that until the Moon turned blue, Kian occasionally whispering “I love you”, “love you”, “I love you” in his ear when he could manage to speak, Shane whispering it back every single time with his heart shouting ever so louder.

I love you. Love you. I love you.


	12. Twelve

Kian loved Sunday mornings. Neither of them had work. They could stay like this forever, Kian’s head resting on Shane’s shoulder, Shane’s fingers playing with golden locks that glistened in the morning sunlight, occasionally turning in to kiss them. He didn’t think there was anything else he could have wished for.

“Can I ask you something?” Shane looked at him and nodded. “When did you first realise you were in love with me?”

“Um,” Shane thought for a moment, then his face lit up. Kian thought his heart was going to implode. “I was fifteen. You, fourteen. It was when you were working at McDonald’s for a Summer,” a fond, evocative smile decorated those lips as he started crooning. “You slipped me a free cheeseburger, and I remember a customer went up to you and yelled at you because the chips weren’t straight enough or something and it was somehow your fault.”

Kian snickered. “I hope this story gets nicer for me.”

“Not really,” Shane giggled when Kian jabbed his stomach. “And you looked like a lost little puppy about to cry. It was adorable.”

“That’s when you realised you were in love with me?” Kian propped himself up on an elbow, staring at a face full of mirth.

“Yep. You were all flustered and eyes wide and cheeks red and stuttering. You looked really cute.”

“I’ve done a fuck tonne of nice, wonderful things for you all my life and _that’s_ when you realised? You suck.”

Shane laughed as he kissed his cheek, and Kian could swear the world stopped for a few seconds to comprehend the divinity.

“But then it freaked me out and I shoved it down for a bit,” he continued. “I was like ah, it’s nothing. He’s just cute in a little brother kind of way! No biggie. And then remember when you played a Boyzone song for me in my room?”

“When you kissed me for the first time.” Kian smiled and leant back down on welcoming shoulders. He remembered his dad had asked if he was okay, learning boyband songs on the guitar when he was used to heavy metal tunes blasting from his son’s bedroom. Not that that was a bad thing, but unusual for sure. He’d said yeah. The most okay he’d ever been. “Yeah. I remember.”

“That was it.” Soft fingers returned to his hair. “I realised how beautiful you were. That I really just… wanted to kiss you.”

Kian brushed a tender kiss against lips that moulded against his, and pulled back to look far into two hazel globes. “I like that story better than the one with me being yelled at by a freak.”

“Fair enough,” Shane chuckled as his eyes danced into curves. “What about you? When did you realise?”

“I don’t think it was one stand-out moment for me. It just kind of grew on me.” Kian was tracing the circle patterns on his shirt with the tip of his finger. Shane wished it never left. “Like, you were always there, you know? When I was a dumb kid falling down and scraping my knees, you were there to pick me up and tell me to stop crying. When I failed my algebra test in ninth grade and got in trouble by my dad, you were there to hug me and give me algebra tips. Or when I was being yelled at at McDonald’s, you were there too, apparently.”

They both giggled.

“My point is; you were always there for me. You were always my best friend. Then you kissed me and I thought, oh. So everything up until now, every little thing I felt, wasn’t just friendship. It didn’t feel strange though. It just felt natural, when you kissed me and when we got used to it all. And when I finally worked up the courage to tell you that I was in love with you, I don’t know, it just felt like it was how it was meant to be for all those years. It made everything better.”

“It did,” Shane was closing his eyes when Kian looked up at him. A part of that hurt. He still couldn’t forget the conversation they’d had that night, about what had happened the day before Kian told the boy he loved him. It still hurt thinking about it. He didn’t think it would ever not hurt to think about that. Shane seemed to get a lot better since then though, like at least a little weight was lifted off with the words he uttered. It was progress. Kian was proud.

He leaned up to kiss the closed lids. Shane opened his eyes at that.

“You were always there for me,” he kissed him again, “and I’m glad you’re still here.”

“Me too.” Shane’s face melted into a soft smile. “I would have missed this moment.”

“Think I would have been okay not knowing that you fell in love with me while I was being yelled at about chips.”

Their laughs mixed in the easy air in between them, getting closer as Kian pulled him in by the waist and rested his face in the comforting crook of Shane’s neck. “I’m glad you’re still here,” he whispered again, and felt the waves of an Adam’s apple bobbing against his skin.

A kiss brushed against his hair, and this was all he wanted. God, he really loved Sunday mornings. It was just them two in bed, relaxing, with no distractions like-

_Knock knock knock._

“You guys up?” Nicky asked.

Kian rolled his eyes. So distractions still existed.

“Come in.” Shane called and nodded at Nicky when the door opened. He was dressed in board shorts, a simple t-shirt, and sunglasses resting on his hair. Kian raised an eyebrow.

“Morning. Do you have any plans for today?”

“Yeah. To stay in bed all day.”

“Brilliant. Get up.” Nicky pulled their blanket off with an excited grin. “Mark and I decided to go to the beach. Come with us! It’ll be fun.”

“The beach?”

“Yeah. I’m almost ready and I need to go pick Mark up in like fifteen minutes so meet me at the car, okay? Fifteen minutes!” Nicky announced as he jogged out to the kitchen to pack some food. He was like a fun, adorable little storm. Kian shook his head and laughed.

“Do you want to go?” Kian asked.

“Could be fun.” Shane sat up. Kian did too, his heart beating a little faster in excitement. One of the reasons they’d chosen Baldoyle in the first place was because it was near the coast, so Kian could go to the beach. They hadn’t really had the chance, but the storm blew it towards them. “And I know you’d love it.”

“I would,” Kian kissed his cheek and jumped out of bed to head to the bathroom and get ready.

Shane chuckled at the spring in his step and followed.

***

“Okay, stop! I surrender!” Mark yelled and put his arms up to somehow defend himself from the water Nicky was splashing. Nicky punched the air triumphantly, and Kian rolled his eyes.

Spring had finally come, and it was the perfect weather for a beach day. Kian had always loved beaches. Had always loved the way he felt when he was floating around in water, the utter calmness that came with the waves, detached from the rest of the world. He used to go almost everyday back home when Winter went, and Shane would sit on the sand and watch him, toes wriggling in the sooth of the sand, shining so bright with a smile underneath rays of sunlight.

And he was doing that now, sitting in the Sun, earphones plugged in, and smiling when their eyes met. It was nice. Although, he kind of hoped Shane was in here with all of them, being kids in the water together instead of him sitting there by himself, but he’d said he didn’t want to get wet and gross.

And he was there when Kian crawled out of the water for food. Laughing with him when Nicky saw him bring out some chips and torpedoed out with Mark’s hand in his. And even more when seagulls charged at them to steal chips and Mark transported to about ten metres away from them.

“Mark, you alright?” Shane asked, his eyes dancing so pretty that Kian couldn’t really spend time worrying about Mark for a moment.

“Long story. A chicken or something attacked him when he was a kid. Now he has a phobia of birds and- Well, that’s it. I guess it’s not a long story.” Nicky chuckled and stood up. “Excuse me, lads. I gotta go save my boy.”

Nicky was busy running around the place shooing away all the seagulls, occasionally winking at Mark like he was the hero from a true crime action movie, and Mark rolled his eyes but Kian saw his cheeks blush. He smiled to himself.

“We should come here more often,” Shane said, slipping his hand into Kian’s.

“Yeah? Aren’t you bored sitting here by yourself though?”

Shane shook his head. “I love watching you swim. I used to do this back home too anyway.” That was true. Shane had always been happy to sit and relax and watch. Kian didn’t understand it all, but at least he looked happy. That was all that mattered, especially after figuring out how hard that was for Shane. “And watching them two be idiots was fun too.”

“Poor Mark, having to put up with that.” Kian snickered and cocked his head at the boy who was still chasing birds away.

“I think It’s sweet.” Shane smiled and followed Nicky around with his eyes.

“It is.” Kian brushed a kiss into Shane’s hair when he leaned his head on his shoulder. “Do you remember my seventeenth birthday? When we all went to Strandhill beach?”

“We fucked in the toilets when your mam sent us to get iced coffees for everyone,” Shane laughed.

“And then we forgot to get the iced coffees.” Another laugh blessed his ear. Kian was sure that that sound was the energy fuelling the Sun up there. “I miss Strandhill beach.”

“Yeah,” Shane agreed. “It was nice every time we went.”

“Mm. Kinda miss home a little too.”

“Do you?” Shane asked. He knew though. Of course he did. Knew Kian thought about home a lot, especially ever since his parents had come up to visit for his birthday. He saw it in his eyes sometimes. When he would talk on the phone while his parents caught him up with Sligo, Shane pretended to not notice the longing glint in his eyes.

“Yeah. Kind of. I don’t know.” Kian was careful. The tentative voice measuring up Shane’s every second of reaction. “Like… the beach. The regular cafes we used to go to. The park we used to take walks in.”

Shane just hummed.

“Anyways.” Kian breathed out a low chuckle.

Shane stayed silent for a bit, looking out at the beach. Watching Mark and Nicky who had gotten into the water again. Trying to ignore the irregular pattern of Kian’s breaths, to not let it ink his heart with black guilt.

“Love,” Shane lifted his head from Kian’s shoulders and looked at the boy, “if you want to go back home for a bit, you know you can.”

Kian’s lips wriggled, stuck in between the lines of polar opposite answers that he didn’t know which one would console Shane a little more. “Will you come with me?”

Shane shook his head, an apologetic grimace spreading across his soft face. “Sorry. But you can go and stay for a bit. It’ll be good for you. It’s been over a year.”

“It has,” Kian noticed his voice showing a slight hint of a tremble. “I don’t want to leave you here by yourself.”

“I have Nicky. Mark.” Shane tried to smile for him. “And it’s not like you’ll be staying there permanently.”

“Maybe a week?” A part of Kian was excited just thinking about it. The other part was disheartened that he’d make the trip alone. Imagining Shane sleeping alone at night with no one to hug him if he had a nightmare, Shane sitting at home when Nicky had a late-night shift by himself staring blankly at the sky like he used to, he didn’t think he could do it. He couldn’t leave him. But Shane seemed genuine. Kind and supportive, and Kian didn’t know what to _do_.

“A week sounds good,” Shane kissed his cheek. “Really. If you want to, go for it. Don’t worry about me. You deserve a break.”

“I… But…” Kian stumbled on disorganised words and sighed. “Are you sure?”

“I am. I promise.”

***

Shane collected a few shirts from the drawers that Kian packed in his suitcase.

His mam had shrieked on the phone when he’d told her that he was coming down for a week. Then she’d asked if Shane was coming too, and Shane had disappeared into the bedroom when Kian looked up at him. _No_ , he’d replied.

Minjae had been understanding. It hadn’t been too busy these days anyway.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come?” Kian knew he was pushing. He had asked at least fifty times since the beach day.

Shane nodded. Handed him another shirt. The one that he’d bought him for his sixteenth birthday – a second-hand Guns N’ Roses shirt that Kian wore religiously for about a month before he realised he should probably give it a wash. It was a little tight now, the neck of it stretched and loopy, but he was never going to throw it away. “What if I run into him? It’s a small town. I don’t… I can’t, Kian. I’m sorry.”

Kian let it go. They packed the rest of his bags quietly and jumped in bed, cuddling for the last time before Kian headed off in the morning.

“I’ll miss you,” Kian whispered into Shane’s chest, digging a hole in it with his breath.

“It’s only a week,” Shane said instead of the words _me too, like crazy_.

“Still,” Kian whined.

“You’re just a big baby,” Shane chuckled softly. “Get some sleep.”

Shane stayed awake most of the night, running his fingers through the soft of Kian’s hair, his mind a million places at once.

***

“Ki. Wake up.”

Kian opened his eyes when Shane tapped him. He squinted underneath the bright glow over the room. Lifted his head slightly. “What time is it?”

“Seven in the morning.”

Kian plonked his head back and closed his eyes. “I’m not leaving until later. Let me sleep.”

“We should get going if we want to miss the traffic.”

“I want to sleep.” Kian kept his eyes closed. God, it wasn’t like he had a train to catch or anything. He didn’t need to…. “Wait,” he darted his head up, eyes shooting open. “Did you say _we_?”

Shane showed a lopsided smile and lifted up his backpack. A _full_ backpack.

“What… Shane.” He sat up, heart beating a little too fast in the morning. Was he seeing things? “Are you coming with me?”

“I am.” Shane put the bag back down and sat beside him, slipping his hand into a half-awake hand. Looked into sleepy eyes that were losing its sleep with every second of realisation. Fuck, Kian looked happy. Shane couldn’t ever say no to that face. “Apparently I love you too much to say no.”

Kian leaped into a hug, planting a clumsy kiss into Shane’s neck when he chuckled. “Thank you.”

Shane pat his back. “Now go and get ready. Traffic sucks.”

Kian hopped up to head to the bathroom, and Shane took a deep breath for himself.


	13. Thirteen

A part of Kian wished it could be exactly like this forever.

He looked up at the bedroom walls; familiar posters of Metallica next to Deep Purple next to a small picture of himself smiling with Shane, with this boy right here in his arms, breathing lullabies through an afternoon nap.

Then he looked at his desk, left exactly as the way it was when he moved out a year ago, then at the windowsill that he remembered climbing out of when he was thirteen because Shane wanted a hug. _Needed_ a hug. His parents had found out a minute later, bursting out of the front door with a frown loaded with a lecture, but then they’d seen a glimpse of Shane’s bleeding lip, finger-marks burnt into his arm, the horror haunting his innocent eyes, and had given him a hug too. Had allowed him to sleep in with Kian for the night and for as many nights as he’d needed for years after that.

Even now, Shane hitting his twenties soon, and still he was always as welcome and as loved in this house, because that’s who they were, and a big part of what Kian missed most about this place.

But this was another big part of what Kian missed most; laying in bed through a lazy day like they used to during the school holidays, playing with Shane’s soft hair until he woke up with a “hi” and a clumsy smile. He wished life was always this easy.

“Hi,” Kian said back and brushed a kiss on that smile. “Good sleep?”

“Good sleep,” Shane cuddled up with an arm around his waist. “You?”

“I didn’t sleep. I was just thinking about stuff.”

“What stuff?”

“Old stuff. Like when you asked me to put up a Backstreet Boys poster for you right there,” Kian pointed at the Deep Purple poster, “and I said no.”

“I’m still mad at you for that,” a gentle kiss blessed his jaw.

“Or when I bent you over that desk and you came all over my assignment.”

“Not mad at you for that,” another kiss blessed his jaw.

“My teacher certainly was,” then a breath from a chuckle blessed his jaw. “Hey, do you wanna go to the fish and chips place we used to go to?”

Shane was silent for a second. “Didn’t your dad cook us something before he went to work?”

“Nope.” He knew what Shane was trying to do. They hadn’t left the house for the past three days. That was half of the week already gone. He didn’t come back down to Sligo just to stay in his room. Today, he was going to get them out. “Or we could go to the café down the road? It’s only a five-minute walk. Remember their grilled chicken sandwiches? Yum.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Then keep me company while I eat there.”

Shane shrugged, fingers tracing the patterns on Kian’s shirt. “I might sleep again. Tired.”

“Nice try. You’re coming out with me. Come on!” Kian smacked a kiss on Shane’s forehead with a smile and jumped off the bed to put some pants on. “Do you want a grilled chicken sandwich or fish and chips? You can choose.”

Shane sat up reluctantly, still holding onto the blankets. “I’m really not hungry though.”

“But I am.” Kian tossed him a shirt to wear. Shane just looked at it. Kian held back a sigh, felt his heart break for him. He sat back down to hold the frail hand. “Love, you’re not going to run into him. I promise.”

“You don’t know that.” Shane mumbled.

“Well, if we do, we can come straight back.” That didn’t seem to do much to console him. “We can’t stay inside for the whole week, Shane.”

Shane still didn’t say anything. Was contemplating, Kian could tell.

“Please? For me.” Shane looked up at that, a small smile spread across timid lips. “How about just a walk in the park then? It’s not even two minutes away.”

“Just for a little bit?”

“Just for a little bit.”

Shane nodded and put on his shirt.

***

They took it one step at a time. The walk in the part had been lovely. Kian felt for a second that he saw the innocent eleven-year-old Shane again. Smiling and having dumb running races and being amused by the sounds of leaves crunching beneath their feet. The boy that he’d fallen in love with and who he had grown up with. Shane would always be that boy.

Then for dinner, they had all gone out to Kian’s mum’s favourite spot. Shane barely talked. He had tried, to be polite, but he was busy looking out the window every ten seconds just in case. Busy hunching to make himself as small and unseen as he could. Kian would have cried if he hadn’t noticed the pity and sadness in both of his parent’s eyes watching him.

Instead, he’d tried to make conversation. Dumb stories of the time they went to the beach back in Dublin. Telling them about Nicky and Mark and Minjae and how he loved them all. He kept things light. And when he gave Shane an extra piece from his steak, he received a cute smile that lasted for about two seconds. Those two seconds were worth everything.

He’d earned another one when he held Shane’s hand under the table. A bit more ease flowing through his eyes and Shane could actually appreciate this night.

“You okay?” Kian whispered when his parents were busy talking to each other.

Shane nodded with an apologetic grimace.

He spent less time looking out the window – maybe every minute instead of ten seconds, but it was still progress.

***

Shane was peeling a carrot when Kian came out of his shower. Chatting with his mum with little giggles as she chopped the peeled vegetables, and he knew in an instant they were talking about him. He wouldn’t have changed this for the world though.

“Stop talking about me,” Kian rolled his eyes and sat down beside Shane.

“Geez, not everything’s about you,” Shane handed him the peeler and a carrot. “Stop slacking off and peel one.”

He was about a carrot and two potatoes in when his mum told them that she forgot to buy the sauce and asked them to go get some. Kian shot a nervous side-glance at Shane who, much to his surprise, said “okay” with a polite smile and stood up.

“Really?” Kian hadn’t meant to sound surprised, but, _really?_

It had taken _days_ for Kian to convince Shane for a two-minute walk in the park, and all it took now was missing sauce. And Shane really did seem better on the trip over there. He wasn’t looking around as much. He was even joking around in the shops, and Kian wondered what happened in the last two days since the dinner for this change. Not that he didn’t love it.

“You sure you’re okay?” Kian asked.

“Yeah,” Shane slid his hand in Kian’s. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I realised I was keeping you from doing things,” Shane’s smile faltered a bit, the tip of it still hanging on. “You came here for a break. It’s enough that I keep worrying you in Dublin. I… I didn’t want to do that here. And I was. And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin the trip.”

The grip in Kian’s hand tightened. It made him want to cry a little. “You didn’t ruin it at all, love. Look at us! We’re outside. You’re not ruining anything.”

“I’m trying,” Shane looked up at him with a smile, with eyes that still held years of pain, and Kian didn’t know which one he had to focus on more. He just smiled back and walked down the aisles, Shane letting go of his hand for a second to pick up a few oranges to put in the basket.

“Dessert?”

“Dessert. Obviously we’ll be picking up ice-cream in about three aisles.” Shane winked. “Hey, remember the time we got yelled at over there because we were throwing bananas at each other?”

“We were very gay kids – we just didn’t know it for the next ten years.” Shane’s eyes danced when he laughed.

They turned the corner to the sauce aisle.

“What sauce do you want?” Kian looked at the selection, drooling all over the floor. “Mam’s cooking steak so maybe gravy? What do you reckon, babe?”

The laughter was gone when Kian looked back at him. Shane looked paralysed. Fingers trembling and lips apart. Something haunting his focused eyes. Kian followed the gaze.

Oh.

His dad was staring back at him. The same expression was spread across faces that looked alike, too alike, and _god_ , Kian felt fire in his stomach.

The man didn’t look any different. Not a wrinkle deeper. Not a scratch of pain in the soul held in those eyes to match the ones on his son’s thighs. Not a tear shed to mirror his son’s tears. He looked the same.

Kian felt a tremble shoot through his fingers. Saw Shane take a step forward from the corner of his eyes.

Then he saw his dad turn around and stomp right out of the store without a single look back.

After a year of not seeing each other, Shane didn’t get a single thing. Not a single half-hearted semblance of closure.

Kian heard Shane’s breath get faster. He almost didn’t have it in him to look at the boy’s face, because when he did, he could see the precious heart break through those trembling eyes, the pain reopening all his healed scars.

“Fuck him,” Kian gritted through his teeth. “Shane, look at me.”

He stepped towards him to grab his hand. It was hit away.

“He never really cared, did he?” Kian had never heard that voice in Shane before. A low, almost whispering, growl that was suppressing the entire Ring of Fire.

“Just look at me.” His hand was hit away again.

Then Shane stomped out.

***

Kian braced himself with his hands on his knees, panting through heartburn after running and running and _running_ for ten minutes.

Shane was panting too, sweating, and ramming things into his backpack.

His parents had stared in shock, but Kian didn’t have time to talk to them right now.

“What are you doing?” God, Kian could see stars. And just beyond the stars, barely, he could see Shane’s cheeks flaring in red, the heat radiating all the way to his heaving chest.

“I’m leaving.” Shane croaked, a mountain of tears cramped in that tight throat.

“Calm down.” Shane packing his bag almost sounded like a punching bag. “Come on. Put that down for a sec. Breathe.”

Shane still hadn’t looked at him. Not once. Not since his father had stolen his gaze and all his senses. “No, I’m done. I’m not staying.”

“Please, just…” Kian didn’t know what to do. He had never seen Shane like this before. Sad, sure, but never a raging tornado of fire that he couldn’t control. “We can stay in my room until we go back. I promise. Okay? Love-“

“I said _no!_ ” Shane pelted the bag on the floor, glaring up at him with eyes Kian couldn’t recognise.

Kian stared back in shock. “I… Shane…”

“What the fuck were you _thinking_ bringing me here?!” Shane’s eyes were burning holes in Kian’s chest. A rough bite in every syllable as Shane yelled. “Out of everyone in the entire world, you’re the one who knows what I went through the most. _You_ , Kian. And bringing me back here? Persuading me so you get to have your own way?”

“My own way? You really think this is my way?! This isn’t what I wanted! I wanted _none_ of this.” The holes in his chest exploded and lava oozed out. His own way. Right. “What about this was _my way_? Seriously. Tell me because I don’t get it.”

Shane started crying. He didn’t fucking care.

“Being homeless for weeks? Being away from everything that I ever knew? Believe me; nothing about this was my way. Every day, I have to worry about whether you’re okay. Whether you’re going to fucking cut yourself again. For the entire year - wait, no, my entire _life_ , I’ve had to dance around everything I’ve ever wanted to say or do, looking out for you. I’ve _never_ had proper time to myself.”

“Then you should never have come with me.” Shane spat. Kian felt like he’d been slapped in the face.

“Wh… What?”

“You should have stayed here. I didn’t ask you to come to Dublin. Fuck, I didn’t even suggest it in the first place. You did.”

“That’s not fair.” Kian’s voice was trembling with tears fighting against his pride.

“None of this is fair.” Shane picked up his bag. Slung it on his shoulder, and Kian didn’t miss the tremor in those tightened fingers. “You should stay.”

Kian frowned at him. “What are you doing?”

“Leaving.” Shane turned around and started walking towards the front door.

“Filan, stop it.” Kian grabbed his wrist. It felt skinnier than ever. “At least wait for me. I’ll pack.”

“You said none of this was your way.” Shane turned back around. “I’m giving you the chance to have this your way. Don’t make the same mistake by staying with me.”

Tears rolled down Shane’s cheeks, an uncomfortable contrast against the stern glare in his eyes that could set this house on fire. Kian took a moment to process what Shane just said. Don’t make the same mistake by staying with me _._

_Don’t make the same mistake by staying with me._

Claws scratched at Kian’s throat, blood creeping up his system and out of his eyes. “What are you saying? What… What do you mean?”

“Stay here. I’m going.”

Shane was leaving. Shane was leaving him. Shane was leaving all of this. Kian marched up to grab him again. “Seriously, stop-“

“Don’t fucking _follow_ me!” Shane shoved him back. Within a blink, Kian stumbled to the ground, and when he looked up, Shane was crying harder. A flash of guilt in hazel eyes that were cracking. They stared at each other, a brick wall between them, none of them knowing what could be said.

Then Shane ran out.

Kian remained on the floor.

Their sun-kissed photo on the wall caught his eye.

Those kids looked so utterly happy, all those moons ago.

***

Shane looked up at the stars, took another swig from the cheap vodka bottle that he’d picked with the little money he had found in his bag, on this rooftop of a random building that he’d stumbled to.

“Don’t make the same mistake by staying with me…” Shane mumbled to himself and scoffed. A hurricane was in the back of his throat, rain seeping through his chest, alcohol clouding his brain. He didn’t know what the fuck he just did.

He just…

He just left the most important thing in his life. The only thing that kept him going all these years.

He just left Kian.

He picked up his phone. Wanted to call Kian. Wanted to call him and cry and say that he was sorry, that he was being a prick, that he just couldn’t think straight. He couldn’t bring himself to do it though. His finger hovered over the ‘call’ button beside Kian’s name. A devil in his ear yelling at him to press it. An angel telling him that he should let Kian go if he really loved him. That he should let Kian _live._ That maybe this was the perfect chance too. That he had made the boy suffer enough, and it was time to end it.

Before he could listen to either of them, the screen flashed to an incoming call.

 _Nicky Byrne_.

Shane wiped his face and picked it up.

“Hey!” Nicky sounded happy. Too happy. “We went to eat at Minjae’s today and thought of you guys so I thought I’d give you a call. How you doing?”

“Uh, I… I don’t know.” Shane sniffed.

Nicky went quiet for a bit. Shane could sense him examining. He tried to hold his breath. “Are you crying? Is everything okay?”

“No,” Shane croaked.

“What’s wrong?” Nicky’s voice was so concerned. Caring. It hurt.

What’s wrong. Jesus, he didn’t know where to begin. Maybe from where it all started, beating beat up for nineteen years. From where Kian sacrificed everything to be with him. From where he made Kian be homeless, to live on soup and to wash up in public bathrooms. From where he made this lovely boy miserable through a time that was supposed to be fresh and exciting. To now, where Shane was alone, had no one to go to. Where he had lost a war and he was the only one left in the battlefield, bleeding out. It was all wrong.

“I… think I just broke up with Kian.”

“…What?”

“Yeah. Um.” Shane replayed the words in his head. He just broke up with Kian. He stared blankly at the night sky for a few seconds, then broke down. Messy sobs drowned out Nicky’s panicking, Nicky’s questions. Why. What happened. Why. Why. Why.

He didn’t know why. But he also had a million reasons why.

“I’m coming to get you. We can talk there,” Nicky said, his breath a little short. There were keys rattling in the background. A door opening and closing.

“Don’t,” Shane said. “I… I can make my own way there.”

“How are you going to do that?”

Shane didn’t have an answer. Nicky scoffed triumphantly.

“Exactly. Look, it’ll be a while so just… I don’t know.” Nicky sighed. Shane heard the car engine being turned on. “Are you going to talk to Kian?”

Shane didn’t have an answer to that either.

Nicky sighed again. “If you’re not going to, then at least stay somewhere safe, alright? Please?”

Shane promised he would and hung up. This rooftop was safe.

He raised the vodka bottle to his lips, grunted when nothing came out from the empty bottom of it. He wanted to smash it. To see it shatter all over this concrete floor and maybe he wouldn’t be all that alone. He would see a part of himself in it. But he put it down gently instead and stood up, wobbled over to the brick wall stopping him from walking over and rested his elbows on it.

He looked down over the wall. The floor was far down. Barely any people out and about in this late hour. Within a second, a thought was fired into his brain. A snap in his wires. Whispers were snaking their way in through his ears.

Persuasion. Temptation. No more pain.

The devil was back on his shoulder. The same devil that had told him it would be okay if his dad killed him that night. He knew he shouldn’t be listening to it. He didn’t want to listen to it. He looked to his other shoulder. The angel wasn’t there. Maybe the devil killed her.

He looked back down over the wall, his fingers tightening on it until his knuckles turned white.

This could be it. He could end it all right now.

Kian wouldn’t have to suffer because of him anymore.

He wouldn’t need to hurt himself anymore.

He could leave the whole world behind and end it in ten seconds.

Maybe this would reach his dad and the man would _care_ for once.

Just once.

He would care.

He lifted his right foot up to the top of the bricks. This could be it.

He lifted his left foot up too, bringing himself to balance on this thin slab of concrete, where if he took half a step forward, the world would be none of his concern ever again.

This could be fucking it.

Shane didn’t realise there were tears rolling down his cheeks until the wind blew to remind him. Looking down to the floor that seemed so close yet so far, he let out a shuddering breath. The wind blew again, gripping around his ankles, another tugging on his wrists, another entwining with his trembling fingers and pulling him back.

Maybe this wasn’t it.

He looked up to the sky. The starlight blinded him, offered him a backdrop of silence. The Moon offered him a hug and gently whispered in his ear. It sounded like the murdered angel.

_Don’t do it. Don’t do it, Shane. Step down. I love you. Kian loves you. Think about Kian._

Kian.

Shane looked back down to the ground. It was so close. So close. The end of the race was so fucking close.

_Shane._

Close.

_Kian loves you._

So close.

_Think about Kian._

So fucking close.

_Please._

Too close.

_You are enough._

Shane broke down in the arms of the Moon and bent to put his hands back on the cold bricks, slid his right foot off to the secure ground beneath him, then his left, both legs trembling. The floor never felt this good. Foreign concrete never felt so much like home. He wilted down to his knees, his face pressed in the palms of his hands that soaked all the tears gushing out of his eyes through heaving breaths.

He stayed like that for hours until the cries eventually subsided. He didn’t know how long he was up there for. It wasn’t like he had another place to go to. Or anything else to do. He got a text from Nicky asking him to stay safe again. Kind of wanted to throw the phone down the building.

But when his phone rang again, Kian’s name lighting up the screen, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He wondered for a second if the Moon told Kian already.

He picked it up, his thumb almost missing the button from trembling.

Kian didn’t speak for a while. Neither did Shane. Only heavy breaths filled his ear. An irregular pattern of rough exhales that hurt.

“K… Kian?” He whispered, fighting through the hesitation. The pain it brought his heart when he said that name. It was never like this. Never did it hurt to say Kian’s name. Not like this.

“Did you mean it?” Kian uttered through a clumped throat that Shane could barely hear. “Do you really think it was a mistake for me to be with you?”

No. No. No. He couldn’t bring himself to say it. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything. Kian scoffed in his ear, and that very possibly hurt more than the times belt marks had been branded on his back.

“You know what? Fuck you. After everything we’ve been through, you can’t just…” Kian sighed. A horrible wet sound that drowned his heart and killed it. “Whatever.”

Then Kian hung up.

The Moon didn’t offer him another hug this time. Instead, Kian’s voice lingered in his ears. Something snapped in his brain, in the same way it had when he had been looking over the edge of this rooftop. He felt it in the way his chest spread, the way his head felt lighter but impossibly heavy at the same time. In the way every single thing Kian had said to him over the years were being etched into his heart at once. In the way every single touch Kian had blessed his skin with was tattooed into him.

After everything they’d been through, he couldn’t just do this. And even if they had just met, Shane didn’t think there would ever be a second he wouldn’t break his back for him.

Shane called him back with courage he didn’t know he had. Half didn’t expect Kian to answer it at all. Or ever. But he did.

“What?” Kian barked.

“I didn’t mean it,” Shane mumbled with his numb lips. “I’m sorry I pushed you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have.”

Shane nodded, looked up at the sky again. “And… I’m sorry I said those things. I don’t think it was a mistake,” Shane sniffled and wiped his cheeks with his sleeve. “I’m sorry. Forgive me. I’ll do anything, just…” Shane took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Take me back,” he whispered.

He could hear Kian crying. More than he had ever heard him cry before.

“Take me back,” he whispered again, his throat so clumped the words barely seeped out. “At least let me talk to you. Please. I… I need you.”

Kian didn’t respond for a while, and Shane thought maybe he really lost him this time. He really fucked up and there was nothing he could ever to make this right. To save himself. To become a better person. To be able to love and be loved. He fucked all of this up.

“Where are you?” But Kian came to his rescue once more.

“I… I don’t know. Some rooftop.” Shane wiped his face again and looked around.

“Do you um,” Kian cleared his throat, “do you want me to come there, or? We… We need to talk.”

“Yeah,” Shane sighed in relief, the tar in his chest slowly cleansing itself. “If… Do you want me to go back to your place? I can… I don’t know.” God, it had never been like this – measuring each other through examinations of voices and tones and every fucking thing between them. But Shane supposed there were steps to take before they could turn back the time.

“Um,” Kian voice cracked. Shane swallowed hard. “Mine… yeah. If you want to come, I-I’ll leave the door open.”

“Okay,” Shane breathed. Kian didn’t say anything back. Wasn’t sure if he was meant to hang up, or apologise again, or tell him that he loved him. He really wanted to tell him.

Eventually, Kian spoke again after a few deep breaths that tingled down to Shane’s toes. “We have a fuck tonne of stuff to talk about when you get here.”

Shane chuckled a little, despite himself, despite the cold air up here. “Alright. I’ll um… Yeah. I’ll head over soon.”

The Moon hugged him again when Kian hung up.

He was moments away from not knowing what tomorrow would look like, how warm tomorrow’s Sun would be, how kind tomorrow’s Moon would be, how beautiful tomorrow’s Kian would be.

Because tomorrow’s Kian would be even more beautiful than today’s, and Shane wasn’t going to miss that for the world.


	14. Epilogue

“You look so fucking good right now,” Shane hugged Kian from the back, ran Kian’s tie in between his fingers as they met eyes through the mirror in front of them. “Are you ready?”

“Nope,” Kian let out a nervous chuckle and leaned into the touch when Shane kissed his neck. “Are we actually doing this?”

“We’re actually doing this. And I’m so proud of you, big boss man.”

“Proud of you too, big manager man.”

“Still not sure if I’m qualified enough for the job, but thanks.” They breezed through an easy laugh, until Kian reeled himself back in.

“Our own restaurant… Fuck. We’re opening our own restaurant. Have I told you we’re opening our own restaurant?”

“It may have come up a few times,” Shane giggled, a song that still never failed to brighten the day.

The grand opening was in about two hours, though Minjae didn’t let them have the ‘Baldoyle’s finest Korean restaurant’ title. Everyone was coming. Kian’s parents. Nicky. Mark. Minjae. Alyssa. All the friends they’ve made in Dublin through the years. Everyone they knew.

Kian looked like he could pass out in about two minutes. Shane himself was pretty close too, to be fair.

“We’re going to be great, love.” Shane spun the man around and pulled him in by the waist. Kian smiled up at him. “You’re the best chef I know. Don’t be nervous.”

“It’s not just the restaurant I’m nervous about,” Kian shrugged and looked away for a second, timid fingers drawing little circles on Shane’s suit. He raised an eyebrow. “Um. I… Yeah.” Kian took a deep breath. Then another. And another, before taking a step back, out of Shane’s arms. He really looked like he was going to pass out.

“Are you okay?”

“Hopefully, depending on how you react. Um.” Kian fiddled with his fingers for a second, chewing on pretty pink lips, before reaching into the pocket in his suit, getting down on one knee.

Oh.

Oh fuck.

“Oh my god,” Shane whispered underneath his impossibly short breath.

“Shane,” Kian opened the small box, the ring shining into his soul. Shane felt tears brim at his eyes. “Will you marry me?”

Shane covered his mouth with his hands, his heart running a million miles. He dropped down to his knees and crushed Kian into a hug. Kian chuckled against his ear. “Yes,” Shane crooned into the delicate skin of Kian’s neck, gentle tears seeping through the skin towards his heart to remedy old scars. “A thousand times yes.”

Kian kissed his temple, and when they eventually managed to separate, Kian took Shane’s hand. “Ready?”

Shane nodded with a bashful bite-down of his bottom lip. The ring slid onto his finger effortlessly. It was meant to be. “It’s beautiful,” Shane fiddled with the ring, then brought his hand up to cup Kian’s jaw. “I love you so much.”

“Love you more,” Kian let out a long breath, the most comforting breath he’d taken in a long time. “I… I have everything that I could have possibly wanted for myself. Our own restaurant. You. This,” Kian ran his thumb along the golden band. “Everything.”

“Me too. Everything,” Shane echoed.

“We really made it on our own,” Kian whispered, his thumb not leaving the ring of promise.

“We did,” Shane pressed a soft kiss against Kian’s lips. “We really did.”


End file.
